Sportsman's Daily


Fat Guy from Neighborhood Pool Goes on Michael Phelps Diet; Dies Next Day

fat swimmer

Marco – Polo. It’s the name children give a game of pool tag as well as the name of the guy who “supposedly” brought pasta to Italy. Arthur Venable celebrated Polo’s life by devouring two pounds spaghetti in one day – just as an appetizer – then swam in the 100 meter race at his local swimming pool.

RIDLEY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arthur Venable didn’t miss a minute of Michael Phelps trek to Olympic history. Venable decided to enjoy his yearly two week vacation right in front of the TV watching the 2008 summer games. Like everyone else who watched, he was struck by the incredible accomplishments of gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps. Then, when Venable got word of Phelps’ 12,000 calorie-a-day diet, he decided to adopt the carb and fat rich ingest-fest.

The 63 year old stock broker spent this past Monday following the Phelps diet to a tee. In the middle of the afternoon he decided to dive into the pool and swim a 100 meter freestyle race. It was the beginning of the end for Venable.

“It was really nasty,” said Virginia Lawrence, who brings her children to the pool most summer days. “He looked horrible after his three fried ham and egg sandwiches and chocolate chip pancakes. You could actually see the arteries clogging and the type two diabetes setting in. He was half way across the pool when he began signaling for help.”

Lifeguards pulled Venable out of the pool. He never lost consciousness, and once he caught his breath, began devouring a pepperoni pizza he had delivered from Renato’s of nearby Swarthmore.

“The lifeguards explained to him that Michael Phelps burns the 12,000 calories he takes in with intense workouts,” added Lawrence. “Then he asked how many calories he had burned. They told him nine.”

Still, the relentless Venable was determined to attain Phelps’ level of fitness and began chowing down on a second pound of pasta with tomato sauce which he covered with bountiful amounts of Pecorino-Romano cheese. After that, he was back in the pool.

“That’s uh, like, when the major problems began to occur,” said seventeen year old lifeguard Holly Wilson. “He shit himself and uh, like, began to hemorrhage. It was at that point when I realized he wasn’t going to be swimming in the next race.”

Once again, Wilson and her fellow lifeguards pulled Venable out, this time trying to revive him with CPR. But it was too late.

“We’re going to miss him,” said longtime friend Herb Mellon. “Art was always looking for ways to justify the massive amounts of food he ate. He really thought he had found it with the Phelps diet. But I don’t know too many guys in their sixties who can burn off 12K a day. I guess it was his time. He’s out there somewhere – in that big trattoria in the sky.”

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