Sportsman's Daily


Pats Players Claim Perfection Over-rated: “Even Gisele Bundchen Isn’t Perfect. Well, Actually, She Is. Damn. I’m Depressed.”

Eli Manning

An imperfect -- but plenty good -- 10: Eli Manning proves that it's better to be good than perfect.

Glendale, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s the one misplaced brushstroke, the single missed note, that separates perfection from, well, imperfection. However, to even casual football fans, a perfect regular season capped with a resounding Super Bowl loss is more than a shade short of perfection. It’s a hunchback on the Mona Lisa, it’s a glorious crescendo being suddenly hijacked by a thunderous farting noise from the brass section. It renders everything before it meaningless, a cosmic joke…where the only thing between you and months of painful soul-searching and public ridicule, is denial and frantic excuse-making, no matter how ridiculous it makes you appear to friends, family, colleagues and sports fans at large.

“I won’t lie, losing the big one hurts, but it’s also kind of a relief,” said an unconvincing Tedy Bruschi, looking harried and haunted -- anything but relieved. “The perfect season thing was starting to eat at me. After we were 12-0 or 13-0, I’d hear it from my wife: ‘oh, I guess Mr. Perfect is too good to take out the trash. Oh, Mr. Perfect is too good to bring his plate to the sink.’ Anytime I’d trip or spill my coffee, suddenly ‘Mr. Perfect’ is the ‘Big Doofus’ – even my kids were on me. Ask the guys – they’ll tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

Many of the Pats players proved more adept at changing the subject than changing the game’s outcome.

“If we were smart, we should have thrown one in week 14 or 15, just to get it out of our system and take the pressure off,” said veteran linebacker Junior Seau. “Some of us even talked about it in private. But around here you’ve got to be careful what you say – even the smallest facial gesture can get you in hot water. Belichick’s got the place wired. Don’t you need a subpoena to wire a locker room?”

“You didn’t hear this from me, but a lot of the guys were getting tired about hearing about Tom Brady and the perfect teeth, Tom Brady and the perfect hair, Tom Brady and the perfect abs, Tom Brady and the perfect girlfriend,” said offensive tackle Matt Light. “Ok, I’ll give him this, Gisele is one fine, fine lady. But some of us have seen Belichick’s surveillance footage – she’s got a mole by her right hip and, and, and…well, other than some ‘tendencies’ in the sack, i.e., her unwillingness to roam outside the, uh, pocket, she’s pretty damn near perfect. I truly despise Tom Brady and everything he stands for.”

Several of the players speaking to us from the relative safety of an undisclosed underground strip club, blamed Belichick’s vindictive, obsessive nature with placing an unhealthy emphasis on perfection.

“Bill was obviously out to prove a point with all that Spygate stuff. But it clearly unhinged him to the point he was like that nutty ship captain in that movie, obsessing about who stole the strawberries. Whether or not I come back next year depends on whether or not Belichick gets a hobby, something that takes his mind off of football and the people out to get him. In fact, I think I’ll get him a model airplane kit. On second thought maybe not – I’m not sure if air plane glue is the answer to Belichick’s raging paranoia…I mean, imagining Nixon on LSD is an interesting thought experiment, but not something you want escaping the lab, if you get my meaning.”

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