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Rams Blame Horrendous Start on Team’s Concern for Well Being of Owen Wilson

Owen Wilson

Owen the Saints come marching out - of their home locker room that is, the Rams just might be ready. The 0-8 Rams say an encouraging speech from Owen Wilson could turn the team’s fortunes around against New Orleans this Sunday.

ST. LOUIS, MO. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Most observers attribute the St. Louis Rams’ 0-8 start this season to a lack of experience, poor execution, and superior competition. However the team issued a statement on Monday saying in essence that is not the case.

“Everyone – the starters, backups, coaches, and administration is pretty broken up over the current personal problems of comedic actor Owen Wilson,” said Zach Lanshefsky, assistant to the Media Director. “There’s a lot of love for that fella inside these walls. Once we’re absolutely sure he is fine and has his head on straight, only then will we return to making spectacular catches in the end zone, reading defenses like a book, and dominating the league in every meaningful offensive and defensive category there is.”

“As we all know, Owen is the man,” said wide receiver Isaac Bruce who has experienced both the brightest and darkest days in a Rams uniform. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. When I elevate like I do and catch a pass in heavy traffic with little or no regard for my own safety, I’m thinking of Owen’s performance in Wedding Crashers – you know, the parts that really make people laugh. But lately, I’ve been thinking of not so funny stuff – like Owen trying to get his life back together, and I’m dropping balls, running the wrong patterns, and just flat out playing like a tool. And man, I am sorry for that.”

But New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick says the well being of the Hollywood star has little to do with the Rams struggles. “If I was going to give an in-depth analysis of why they’re losing it would be – uh, they suck! Look, there was a time not too long ago that this team (Patriots) blew monkey chunks too. We could have easily blamed it on a variety of celebrity woes. Hell, we could still be obsessing about ancient history like the sudden and inexplicable collapse of Billy Ray Cyrus’ career, or Woody Allen marrying his own daughter, or why Star Wars Part Four is really Star Wars Part One, but no! We got our act together as well as several million dollars Mr. Kraft had under his sofa cushions, and did something about it. You think I don’t lose sleep nights mulling over when Alan Alda almost died of a strangulated intestine while on location for PBS in Chile? Of course I do. But I get that horrific scenario out my head with the aid of a Seconal-Thorazine slammer and bourbon chaser, then strap it on when it’s time to play the game.”

Rumors have been swirling around the Rams training facility the past twenty-four hours that Wilson may actually drop by to prove he’s doing better and give the team the figurative kick in the pants it needs to start playing better. “That would be beautiful,” Bruce added with tears streaming down his cheeks. “To see that dirty blonde, bed-head hairdo and crooked smile of his would sure blow an industrial-size dose of sunshine up our skirts.”

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