Sportsman's Daily


Outfielder Injures Eye in Freak Shower Incident Involving Fourteen Well-Endowed Dominicans

Echoes episode recounted in controversial memoir of former minor-leaguer turned MD

David Ortiz

Per David Ortiz' insistence,  teammates give the big fella's "big fella" special attention.   

OREM, Utah (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ignoring repeated warnings, Orem Owlz rookie outfielder Al Melisch stepped into the shower with fellow rookie Calvin McNulty, whereupon they were immediately set upon by fourteen Dominican teammates playfully brandishing their uniformly prodigious penises, as per post-game custom. But what began as good, spirited fun soon took an unfortunate turn, as Melisch’s right eye found itself on the receiving end of at least one errant penis that proved less pliant than expected. How it got there no one can – or will – say, but the resulting retinal damage will sideline Melisch for 4-6 weeks.   

“We warned him repeatedly not to go in there with the Domincans, unless of course you get a rise out of being the focus of a simulated gang rape,” said Kent Butcher, the team’s 24 year old backup catcher. “The good news is he got away with just an eye injury. Anything in the rectal area would be harder to explain away.”

The incident comes on the heels of a controversial book from Matt McCarthy, a graduate of Yale and of Harvard Medical School, who pitched for one summer with the Provo Angels of the Pioneer League (which became the Orem Owlz in 2004). In his memoir “Odd Man Out” McCarthy writes about racist, steroids-injecting, dumb as dirt teammates, their unstable manager and the generally unhinged wildness he saw and experienced during his brief career. While many of the stories in the book have proved to be unreliable – with a good number revealed to be outright inventions --  Melisch’s injury does support his description of Dominican teenagers turning post-game showers into a festive, meringue-tinged mosh pit a-boil with youthful rippling penises.

“Why anyone would wander in there I don’t for the life of me know,” said Owlz manager Tom Kotchman. “Something like this was bound to happen. Usually it’s just the shock of seeing all these kids twirling their dicks like they’re looking to rope a steer. Trust me, it’s not a confidence-booster. But this is the first time anyone’s sustained any physical damage.”

Several prominent Dominicans have taken issue with McCarthy’s depiction and with descriptions of the episode resulting in Al Melisch’s eye injury.

“There are lots of ways you can get injured when you’re in the shower with ten or more Dominicans, but getting poked in the eye? How is this possible?” asked an indignant David “Big Papi” Ortiz. “Has anyone thought that maybe the kid slipped in the shower and had his fall broken by the outstretched penis of a slick-fielding Dominican shortstop that accidentally poked him in the eye?”

Matt McCarthy, who is now working as an intern in the residency program at New York-Presbyterian/Columbia Hospital, allows for the possibility. “The Dominians are as talented as they are, uh, colorful, so anything’s possible, which in fact is the underlying premise of my book – an approach that, regrettably, lent itself to factual discrepancies and clearly erroneous time sequences. I apologize to any former teammate I mistakenly placed at an orgy, Klan rally or gay bar.”

Undaunted by the criticism of his book, McCarthy says he’s working on another memoir. “This time I’m focusing on my experiences here at the hospital. Word to the wise: if you’re considering a career in medicine, I strongly recommend that you avoid the scrub room when it’s occupied by two or more Haitians. Trust me on this.”

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