Sportsman's Daily


Olympics Update: Only Man Living on Dry Tortugas Really Pissed with Poor TV Reception

bum giving the finger

Olympic Level Delusion. Zachary Cleaves lets reporters know he isn’t too happy about the reception he’s getting on his prized 1965 TV.

DRY TORTUGAS, U.S. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Zachary Cleaves can’t understand why his television reception of the 2008 Olympics isn’t up to the standards most Americans enjoy. Cleaves, the only known resident living in the Dry Tortugas, a group of small islands seventy miles west of Key West, Florida has been complaining for months about his poor reception.

“This is ridiculous,” seethed the delusional Cleaves, a retired math teacher. “When I turn on my television, I can barely get a signal. I understand there’s some swimmer who is doing something special. I’ll be damned if I know what it is though. All I hear is Bob Costas running his mouth about the backstroke – then all I get is static and beeps.”

Cleaves still owns the Admiral 13 inch black and white TV he purchased from Feldman Electronics in Miami in 1965.

“It’s a keeper,” added Cleaves. “I watched the moon landings on this thing – and the last episode of The Fugitive. The pilot I’ve contracted to drop the few supplies I need to survive out here keeps asking if I’d like a new TV, but I tell him technology’s for losers.”

Perhaps it is.

But when February 17, 2009 rolls around, Cleaves will have to figure out a different plan to receive any channel as the analog switch off will occur in the United States rendering his prized 1965 Admiral TV completely obsolete. Cleaves lives near Fort Jefferson, the only permanent structure on the main island of Garden Key, in a small hut he proudly fashioned from pebbles, shoestring, and his own feces.

“You all like my little Shangri-La. Don't you?" boasted Cleaves. "People like to say ‘ain’t this the shit?’ – But when I say it, I really mean it. This really is the shit!”

Dr. Isadore Fleener, a retired surgeon visited Cleaves in March of this year and reported he’s worried about the Dry Tortugas’ lone inhabitant.

“He's living in filth, his diet is terrible, and he smokes too much,” said Fleener. “But more than that, it is the profound loneliness that is almost impossible to fathom.”

“I won’t leave this place,” the 73 year old Cleaves boldly proclaimed. “I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for it.”

“I’m afraid the ‘soft spot’ Mr. Cleaves is referring to is advanced cardio-vascular disease,” added Fleener.

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