Sportsman's Daily


Olympics Closing Horror: Mothra Smashes Beijing!

Thousands Missing; Michael Phelps Spun into Cocoon


Home Spun Disaster. Mighty monster Mothra wraps Beijing in his deadly cocoon - putting a damper on the closing cermonies

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — After pulling off spectacular opening and closing ceremonies during the 2008 Summer Olympics, the city of Beijing was met with unexpected disaster immediately after the Olympic torch was extinguished. Movie monster, Mothra attacked the city on its way home to Japan.

“I was on my way home from Monster Island for a little weekend get together with Godzilla, Rodan, and Varan and decided to kill some time by wreaking havoc on one of my favorite cities,” said Mothra. “We had all just watched A Clockwork Orange, and I was really pumped for a little senseless ultra-violence. Sorry if I ruined everybody’s day.”

“What really surprised us was we didn’t even know Mothra hung out with Varan anymore,” said Chinese Olympic coordinator Xua Ho. “He was such an obscure creature who was box office poison. In fact, Varan, the Unbelievable never even played in theatres here, so most people didn’t even get the reference.”

Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps who was spun into Mothra’s massive cocoon, managed to free himself by combining the backstroke with excessive flatulence.

“Yeah,” said Phelps. “I downed about ten bowls of refried beans with sautéed onions, and farted by way out of the damn thing. Then I ran like hell.”

China is deliberating over what to do in the aftermath of the attack as Mothra makes its arduous trek across mainland China and the Sea of Japan on its way home. Cho Li, Beijing’s Assistant Minister of Defense has placed a call to the law office of Huang, Chen, Xiao and Greenberg.

“We’re working feverishly with the Chinese government,” said Marv Greenberg. “We’re still deciding what legal action can be taken against Mothra or Japan – or if it’s just better to drop a twenty megaton nuclear bomb on him and spare this nation a pile of legal bills.”

Mothra seemed to show some remorse, but blamed the attack on his DNA.

“Hey folks,” said Mothra. “I really didn’t mean to put a crimp in everyone’s day, but I’m a giant mutated caterpillar who inexplicably shows up in certain films as a maturely developed moth, hence the name – Mothra. But in general we’re not all that bright, and have like zero control over our hyper-violent impulses. Sometimes, I just get the urge to devour an entire city. If I can offer full disclosure – I’d rather not get nuked if at all possible. But even if I do, I’ll just come back in another movie, time or place. Don’t ask why, it just happens that way.”

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