Sportsman's Daily


Obama Pulls Hamstring Preparing for 10 Inaugural Balls; to See Limited Action First Two Weeks of Presidency

Barack Obama dancing with Ellen Degeneris

Despite a stratospheric approval rating, Barack Obama won’t exactly be waltzing into office. Here he’s pictured on “Ellen” about to break into an encyclopedic array of dance moves, from the meringue to the Latin hustle.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Barack Obama and his wife Michelle were rehearsing a series of intricate dance steps late Monday night when the President-elect let out a scream and collapsed to the floor, holding his severely pulled left hamstring.

“The President-elect was in great pain – pulling a hammy is no picnic,” said Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs who was with the Obamas during the ill-fated dance sequence. “But Barack Obama is determined to carry out his inaugural duties, sans the various balls he was hoping to attend. Come Wednesday, though, we’re going to have to shut it down. The doctors all agree, we’re looking at a four year – possibly an eight year -- deal here. No need to rush him into office and risk further injury. Plus, given the enormity of the challenges we face, we’ll need a President Obama at 115% if we have any chance of not becoming a wholly owned subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China.”

For the past two weeks, amid all the strategy sessions, cabinet appointments and press conferences, Obama and his wife trained with a dance instructor who gave the couple a crash course in everything from the foxtrot to the mambo, in preparation for the 10 inaugural balls the Obamas were planning to attend. It was while practicing the demanding Cajun jitterbug that Obama pulled his hamstring.

“It’s a shame, they would have killed – the President-elect has a natural feel for the ballroom, and once they broke out the Funkadelic and Kool and the Gang, forget about it,” said Obama's Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel, a former ballet dancer who carefully monitored the sessions. “Like a lot of us, I was looking forward to seeing our next President doing the robot to a tasty Bootsy Collins groove, but what’s most important right now is that he return to full strength and regains his explosiveness. As anyone who’s been around Barack knows, he’s sneaky quick. He sits at the head of the table asking questions, quietly absorbing information…when boom, in one step he’s by you and at the tin for an easy two.” The five-foot four inch Emanuel pantomimed a finger roll. “You just don’t want to rush a hammy.”

Emanuel brushed aside questions about the risks of going a full two weeks, particularly in these difficult times, with a President who’s listed day-to-day. “I actually think in the long run it’s a positive – after the last eight years, the country needs time adjusting to a hands-on President. The next two weeks of intermittent activity will let the country ease in and get comfortable with the concept.”

Jerome Corsi, the Swift-boating author of “The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality,” a deranged collection of ugly smears and hearsay comically masquerading as a work of scholarship, doesn’t believe Obama pulled a hamstring. “You don’t usually see basketball players pulling hamstrings – all that running back on defense,” said the disarmingly avuncular Corsi. “I’m not saying he didn’t pull a hamstring. I’m saying he never really played basketball.” Corsi said he plans on spending the next four years as he’s spent every year since returning from Viet Nam: making crazy shit up.

Bush people tried floating – albeit briefly and half-heartedly -- the idea that the former President remain in office another week to smooth the transition. The idea was greeted with horror – chiefly by George W. Bush himself, who was so eager to leave Washington he spent his last night sleeping in the helicopter that was to ferry him, Laura and Barney on a lonely trip back home to Crawford (or Dallas...or wherever the fuck). Finally.

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