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NFL Commissioner Shocks Bills with Talk of Stiff OJ Fine

Reports that Goodell’s “zero tolerance” policy will hold former team accountable for Simpson’s alleged break-in.

OJ Simpson

OJ displays famous glove he forcibly "reclaimed" from memorabilia dealer. Bills organization tries to distance itself from former backfield standout: "OJ is what I used to wash down yesterday's breakfast," hissed a team official.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Though it’s been close to 30 years since he last wore a Buffalo Bills uniform, there are reports that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering levying OJ Simpson’s former team with a stiff fine and the possible loss of draft picks due to Simpson's recent arrest for attempted kidnapping and armed robbery.

“Roger is the new sheriff in town and he’s taking a zero tolerance stance against anyone who’s stepped over the line – that goes for coaches, team owners, players and now former players,” said a league official who asked that his name be withheld. “Granted, some may say, hey, you can’t hold a team accountable for the actions of one of its former players. But something’s got to be done – and it’s not just OJ. There are just too many former NFL players out there who, left unchecked, pose serious threats. Many are walking around with severely impaired judgment, compounded by unrelieved paranoia and boiling rage – which, let’s face it is the mother’s milk of any professional football player trying to earn a paycheck in an exceedingly violent sport. It doesn’t just go away when you take off the pads.”

Ernest Hollings, a consultant with the NFL player’s union, likens former NFL players to Vietnam vets in that many are unable to make the transition to civilian life.

“Most of us have heard about battered and broken down ex-football players who are unable to comb their hair without assistance. But you rarely hear about the players – and there are scores of them – who hear voices. Worse, some still hear footsteps. Can you imagine living in perpetual fear of a blindside hit, never knowing if the guy in aisle three is just trying to reach for the tomato paste or is about to knock the snot out of you with a forearm shiver to the back of the head? If I lived every second afraid I’m about to get hammered by an illegal late hit I never saw coming, I can’t say how I’d act. Though I will say this: for OJ to do what he did he must have taken some additional hits in the broadcast booth, because that is just stupid, stupid shit.”

While the league office hasn’t issued a formal statement, word is that Goodell will mandate that teams file monthly reports on former players with known mental problems or those who’ve had prior scrapes with the law. According to our sources, the policy will hold organizations accountable for players who’ve been in their organization a minimum of three years.

“The Bills are not happy, owners around the league are not happy and the player’s union is not happy. But bottom line, Roger doesn’t like surprises. The league’s been embarrassed enough. And the last thing anyone needs is to find out that Dick Butkus was apprehended at a shopping mall menacing a group of kids with a salad fork and a set of steak knives. But there is a positive take-away in all this: teams now have a legitimate use for all that surveillance equipment they invested in.”

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