The Nation’s Cheesiest Pol Nabbed Trying to Sell Packs’ Anticipated Coaching Vacancy to Highest Bidder
(by Duncan Quirk, Special to TSD)
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich demonstrates the difference between a Cheesehead and a complete cheeseball.
GREEN BAY, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the Post-Farve Packers officially out of the Playoff Hunt, the only publicly owned major sports franchise is expected to oust Coach Mike McCarthy the instant the Pack’s death-march of a season whimpers to a close. Having borne the brunt of fan abuse for wanting Favre gone, McCarthy has now become persona non grata with Packer’s management as well.
News of an impending opening has taken the sports world by storm, with possible contenders lining up at the doors of Lambeau Field. Embattled Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich has, unbelievably, inserted himself into the process, attempting to sell the coaching position ("a fucking valuable thing") to the highest bidder, though he is not now nor has he ever been affiliated with the Packers organization – or the state of Wisconsin – in any way (other than the time he was in Madison on government business and his hair got mussed driving with the top down in gale force winds).
Surveillance tapes caught the Governor referring to the Packer's fan base as "fucking cheeseheads," a sentiment echoed by the Governor's wife, who chose her words with equal care ("fuck those cheddar-eating fucks").
Blagojevich emailed the Packers with a list of five potential candidates and what they were willing to pay in order to coach the Packers until 2010 with an option to be re-signed at the end of the two-year term. The Packers have rejected Blagojevich's numerous attempts and maintain their public stance that the seat is not for sale and have warned that repeated requests will result in his email address labeled as spam and his gchat name blocked.
A source close to the Packers, asking to remain anonymous, has confirmed that, after expressing her interest in the position this past week, Louise Cardy, the grand daughter of legendary player and coach Earl "Curly" Lambeau is the leading candidate for the job. Cardy has spent most of her life in Green Bay avoiding the limelight associated with her pedigree, choosing to rent out her family's permanent sky box for the majority of the past twenty seasons. Cardy threw her hat into the football ring this past year, endorsing Jim Zorn’s candidacy for the Washington Redskins. Cardy responded to her critics' claims that she does not possess the proper football experience and is riding solely upon her grandfather's name, with a public statement reading that "it is not about experience, it is about change, it is about the desire to win and make Green Bay respectable again after the Favre retirement fiasco."
Cardy finished by saying, "Grampy Curly started this team when there wasn't even a legitimate set of rules. He revolutionized the forward pass and galvanized a town behind him. I wish to not just preserve his legacy, but to expand it, by bringing much needed change to the Packers and the NFL, such as moving extra points to the thirty-yard line."
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