Sportsman's Daily

 

Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

Cletus Tompkins Spits His Chew and Says ‘Yup’ Constantly

Chewing Tobacco

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The forty-nine year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”

When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition. “They can keep their nuevo riche-pile the kids in the SUV-Shania Twain-iphone-nav system-tofu on the grill eating-happy horseshit for themselves. You ain’t lived till you’ve stopped off at one them Horne’s restaurant/motel joints for some pickled pig’s feet and apple pie, grab a few winks, then hit the speedway runnin’ and bar-b-que yerself up some gator. Wait, ok, the last Horne’s closed in ’77, but you get the idea.” Tompkins added.

Florence, South Carolina native Peggy Ryan says the NASCAR culture is in a rebuilding stage, and needs to distance itself from old school fans like Tompkins. Ryan says she saw Tompkins at a qualifier in Atlanta last month and calls him a cancer on the sport. “Why can’t he just show up at these things and keep his fingers crossed for a fiery explosion like everyone else?” Ryan said. “But no – he has to bring his dang pig’s feet and banjo music and warm Schlitz. I saw him on a CB callin’ out ‘breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9’ to talk to some good ol’ boy truckers. But no one answered him – because no one uses those things anymore.”

NASCAR official John Larsen said his organization wants nothing to do with Tompkins antiquated views at a press conference last Saturday. “Look, those days are over. This is state-of-the-art 21st century big business. The confederate flags are virtual flags now. And we love people whose names end in a vowel – take for example Mr. White standing here next to me.” Larsen was removed of his duties immediately after the press conference.

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