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Nine Weeks into Season Colts Undefeated; But Joe Namath "Guarantees" Jets Victory in Week Four Matchup

Joe Namath

Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.

Foxboro, MA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — The Indianapolis Colts are the NFL's last unbeaten team, improving to 8-0 with a 27-20 victory at New England on Sunday night. After the game, former Jets quarterback Joe Namath staggered into the victorious locker room and startled the assembled press corps by loudly guaranteeing a Jets victory in week four – a game that the Jets lost 31-28.

“The Jets will win on Sunday, I guarantee it,” slurred “Broadway Joe,” his left arm draped across Janet Sanders, a comely reporter from the Indianapolis Star. “I got some more guarantees,” he continued, sizing up the reporter he was now openly fondling, “but that’s between me and this lady over here, ain’t that right sweetheart? Come here, give Joe Willie a kiss.”

Attempting to plant a kiss on Ms. Sander’s cheek, Namath misfired, his face landing between Ms. Sander’s breasts. A furious Sanders slapped his face and kneed Namath in the groin. Namath, however, was unfazed and undeterred – it was later learned that the pain killers he takes to ease the effects of the tendonitis that ended his career renders him numb from the knees to the part in his hair.

Demonstrating the quick release and fast reads he was known for in his playing days, Namath found his secondary “receiver” streaking across the locker room.

“Hey you there, sugar tits,” he barked to a young female reporter angling her mic to pick up Peyton Manning’s post-game comments. “How bout you, me and Joe Willie huddle up and put one in the end zone.”

Fearing an ugly “Mel Gibson moment” (which is actually a Joe Namath moment with "something extra" -- and includes a mug shot) Colt’s personnel director Steve George had Namath escorted from the locker room.

Two hours later Namath issued a statement. “I am deeply sorry for the pain and embarrassment caused by my ongoing battle with Percocet, Demerol, Vicodin, Darvocet and alcohol. Clearly, my previous attempts at rehab have been unsuccessful. At this point, the only answer is for me to avoid sidelines, locker rooms and broadcast booths. From this point forward I will limit myself to movie sets as I attempt to revitalize a movie career that was prematurely cut short due to bad scripts and even worse acting.”

Long time Namath watcher Howard Cosell couldn’t be reached for comment.

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