Week One NFL Round-up
NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured
Jets' quarterback Chad Pennington injures leg in season opener against Patriots. First week of NFL season exacts heavy toll on fans and players alike.
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties – including injuries to marquee NY quarterbacks Chad Pennington and Eli Manning – viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.
“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury – even death – on the football field.”
This year saw a dramatic rise in brain concussions.
“Sandy was watching the Giants game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 73 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Queens resident Miriam Rose. “The Cowboys were chasing Eli out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged – it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to – he was out for ten minutes – we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Eli injured his shoulder. Poor kid. I hope he’s ready for the Pack next week.”
Thirty-Seven Fans Arrested in Stadium Rest Room; Misinterpreted Signals Sent by Jets Coach Eric Mangini
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Late in the third quarter of the Pats-Jets game, Jets quarterback Chad Pennington injured his right leg while he was being sacked. He left the game, but went back in on the next possession. After the first play, Jets' coach Eric Mangini tapped his foot three times on the sidelines as a way of asking if Pennington could push off his right leg. After the game, 37 "non-gay" males watching in the stands took it as an invitation to meet Mangini in the notorious Section C men's room to address his “needs.”
“The restroom in question is a known meeting place for pre-and post game male-on-male shenanigans,” said arresting officer Pete Copperfield. “There are times it’s three men to a stall – unless one’s there to wipe your ass and the other is there to read you the newspaper, that’s two too many. But I never seen thirty seven males crammed into six stalls at once, all tapping their feet. Hell, it sounded like Michael Flatley and Lord of the Dance in there.”
The Jets’ thrashing left Mangini in no mood to discuss the incident, though a Jets spokesman said he’s sure that coach Mangini appreciates the support and that the team was encouraged by the level of fan commitment, “even though some fans tend to be more passionate than one expects. Or wants.”
Eagles Fan to Plunge Rusty Dagger into Own Chest at Halftime
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – 16-13. That was the final as Green Bay surprised the favored Philadelphia Eagles Sunday at Lambeau Field. “Hey, it’s Philly baby,” said Joey Di Martino a season ticket holder for twenty-three years. “This is the kind of shit we deal with every year. Here’s how it breaks down for every Philadelphia sports fan every September; curiosity, hope, excitement, crushing defeat, shock, alcoholism, arson, and wait till next year. That’s about it.”
Apparently, this year the Eagles are accepting the inevitable heartbreaking season ahead. The defending NFC East Champs have something special planned for halftime entertainment next Monday night for their home opener. Lifelong Eagles fan and South Philly resident Sammy Panatinni will brandish the twelve inch hunting knife his father gave him as child and stab himself directly in the heart as part of the “At the Half” in-game spectacle at Lincoln Financial Field.
“It’s got some years on it and it’s a bit rusty,” Panatinni said. “But it’s still sharp as hell. Pop and I used in on hunting trips to the Poconos. I’m really looking forward to dying quickly.” Which is more than can be said for the Eagles fans who are forced to endure yet another interminable season of empty promises, false hopes, and murder-suicide inducing depression.
Minutes Before Kickoff Browns Coach Chooses Starting Quarterback; Coach Also Undecided on Defensive Scheme, Place Kicker, Suitability for Job and What's for Dinner
CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Browns head coach Romeo Crennel held a quarterback competition for the entire off-season, but hadn’t decided on a starter (an ineffective Charlie Frye who was replaced by an equally ineffective Derek Anderson) until 25 minutes to go in their opening game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But the last-minute, seemingly arbitrary quarterback decision was only one of several he made just prior to game time.
Prowling the sidelines clutching his ever-present clipboard, Crennel would appear to be the picture of decisiveness. However, a quick glance at the contents of Crennel’s clipboard would indicate that Sunday’s rash of indecisiveness is not an aberration, but the norm.
“You’d think the clipboard contained plays and reports, but they’re actually handwritten notes from his wife and crayon drawings from his kids – the sort of stuff you’d put on your refrigerator or above your desk at work -- you know, little things that buck you up and give you a shot in the arm," said an unnamed assistant. "Things that say: hey, we love you whether you fuck up or not. It gives Romeo confidence to finally make a decision. I mean, we’re talking about a guy when he feels the onset of a number two, he’s not sure if it means he’s got to go or he needs to schedule a colonoscopy.”
Following their 34-7 loss to the Steelers, Crennel spent the first fifteen minutes of the post-game press conference asking himself questions for which he had no clear answers (i.e., “Do I start Brady Quinn and let him develop in game situations? I don’t know the answer to that.”). The only thing Crennel was sure of was that his first name was Romeo (not Hamlet, as some wags have taken to calling him) and a hot meal was waiting for him when he got home – though he left it to his wife to decide between meatloaf or meatballs and spaghetti.
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