Mets’ Heartbreaking Season Gets Worse as Mr. Met Admits He Does Porn
Lovable Mascot First to be Fired
Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn't often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.
FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The New York Mets who experienced the worst collapse in baseball history are sorting through what happened the past three weeks. A mid-September seven game lead evaporated as the surging Phillies took the National League East crown by winning twelve of fifteen as the Mets spun into a free fall. Everyone from General Manager Omar Minaya and field boss Willie Randolph to players and coaches are under the microscope. Fans are expecting many changes. And as predicted, it didn’t take long for the axe to fall as ownership announced today that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.
Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV. “He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.”
Met, who never speaks, did issue the following statement through his agent, Marv Saks: “Once again, the puritan ethic in America has reared its ugly head. I guarantee the same people who launched this witch hunt, will be covering up their own past in no time. Look, I’ve always been a big devotee of adult cinema going back to the days of director Gerard Damiano’s early 70’s work. With my head being a ball, you can imagine the stimulation that I feel on a regular basis. One can only take it so long before putting some sort of plan into action. For me that plan was to direct artful, humorous, saucy little epics that almost always ended with full-on, excessively moist, ass-to-mouth packed orgies. Why all of a sudden is that problem?”
Mascots from around baseball were stunned when they learned of Met’s double life. The Phillie Phantic, who also never speaks, communicated through sign language and his trademark animated gyrations that he expected someone like former Montreal Expos mascot Youppi or Fredbird the Red Bird from the St. Louis Cardinals to engage in such activities. “Those guys were filthy,” Phantic suggested. “Youppi had every fetish in the book and Red Bird has a fondness for glory holes and low voltage electrocution. But Met always seemed like a real straight arrow to me.”
Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said, “Although no laws have been broken, and no charges will be filed, I consider this a significant error in judgement on the part of Mr. Met. Reminds me of the time Charley O, the mascot mule who worked for the A’s in the ‘60’s was caught with a girl who was dating Joe Rudi at the time. Talk about awkward.”
Met said he has no plans to stop making adult films. “It will have to become his sole source of income for a while I guess, until the team realizes my client will be sorely missed,” Saks said. “Right now he’s in Arkansas working on a series of films that fuse the art of bunting with white trash mother-daughter action.”
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