Sportsman's Daily


Small Market KC Royals Set to Unveil Spectacular Micro-Tron

Tara Rey and Colleen Banks say they’ll hold their breath till Bert Blyleven makes it to the Hall of Fame

Going Live! A real innovation, this amazing piece of technology will let some lucky Royals fan watch The Golden Girls in glorious black and white – as long as that fan is sitting in Seat 4, Row 8, Section 113 – and the U.S. Government decides to extend the analog-digital conversion date.  

KANSAS CITY, MO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though Major League Baseball is flourishing even in these challenging economic times, some ball clubs are faced with a reality the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels and Mets may never know. They are the small market, low budget teams like the Twins and Pirates. Near the top of that list sits the Kansas City Royals, preparing to enter their forty-first season. But the Royals proved they can still play hard ball – literally and figuratively.
The club unveiled their brand new Micro-tron yesterday before a small media contingent.
“The Micro-tron has the appearance of a small black and white portable TV from the late 1970’s or early 1980’s,” said Assistant Promotions Director, Casey Torrance. “But it’s a lot more than that. If the signal is right, you can watch the news, re-runs of The Golden Girls, whatever your heart desires, as long as you’re seated in the right place.”
The Micro-tron is currently anchored to the back of chair, so that the seat directly behind it, Seat 4, Row 8, Section 113 has a perfect view of the screen. Of course fans sitting next to or directly behind Seat 4, Row 8, Section 113 can also catch a glimpse.  
“I don’t think the Yankees or Mets have anything like this,” added the 44 year old Torrance. “I am so thrilled that the Royals can offer up to seven or eight fans this kind of high-powered entertainment in glorious black and white and…”
Suddenly Torrance came to the realization that the Micro-tron was nothing but a small battery-powered TV he found in his older sister Katie’s bedroom fifteen years ago.
“Who am I kidding?” a deflated Torrance admitted to the reporters, who could only sit in stunned silence. “Once the analog-digital conversion goes down in February, this piece of shit will be as obsolete as a typewriter at Microsoft. I thought maybe, just maybe with the retro craze, people might find this little slice of nostalgia cute. But it’s clear to me that I’m delusional – I’m living in a world of memories that grow dimmer with each passing day – I cling to fading shadows of that populate yesteryear.  For me there is no tomorrow, no today, only yesterday – and even yesterday reminds me of the vicious beatings I took at the hands of the larger, more athletic boys in the neighborhood. Good God, deliver me from this hellish abyss.”
Torrance was then led away by security personnel into a small storage closet where he was given a blanket and a snifter of brandy.
No word was given on whether the Royals will move forward with Torrance’s other in-game media juggernaut, a walkie-talkie situated just over the third base dugout.

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