Sportsman's Daily


Mets Trade Seven Schmucks for Putz

muscle pain

The Mets add another Putz to a clubhouse already filled with ‘em.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On Wednesday night, Mets General Manager Omar Minaya completed a three-team, 12-player trade with Seattle and Cleveland that landed them Mariners closer J. J. Putz.  The Mets dispatched relievers Joe Smith to Cleveland and Aaron Heilman to Seattle, and sent outfielder Endy Chávez, pitcher Jason Vargas, and two minor-leaguers packing.

“When you get a chance to land a Putz and at the same time unload seven complete schmucks, you take it,” said Minaya. “J.J. should have no problem making the adjustment. Here in New York every third guy on the 7 train is a putz. And if he’s not a putz, chances are he’s a prick.”

“In the past several years we’ve had no shortage of Dicks – what’s another Putz?” rhetorically asked Mets’ third baseman David Wright.   

“I went to grade school with a Dick Putz,” said season ticket holder Peter O’Toole.  “Though I hear he had a sex change and now goes by the name Darlene. Darlene Putz. Kind of ironic, no?” O’Toole furrowed his brow and scratched his chin.  “I wonder if there’s any relation.”  

“At least his first name isn’t Rusty,” said embittered former major leaguer Rusty Kuntz. “I once played with a – I kid you not – Rusty Cocks.  What are the odds?”  

Rabbi Arthur Shoenfeld, a lifelong Mets fan, waxed philosophical.  “Well, Rusty Cocks is preferable to Leaky Cocks, which is an unpleasant thought. But if you’re asking me about Putz, let’s be clear: this is a Putz that can throw strikes.  Let’s hope he doesn’t forget how when he comes to Flushing.”  The Rabbi paused for a moment of Talumudic contemplation. “Come to think of it, there’s not a lot of difference between a putz and a schmuck --  lose something off your fastball and you can go from putz to schmuck to complete shtick drek in a heartbeat.  A sobering thought, a sobering thought indeed.”

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