Sportsman's Daily


Nineteen Mets Injured in Frenzy of Post-Game Finger Pointing

Injuries include three scratched cornea, two punctured eardrums and fourteen badly bruised psyches.

mets melee

Angry finger-pointing spills out onto field after Mets lose to Marlins, capping the most dramatic collapse in baseball history.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —No one knew precisely what triggered it, but suddenly the morgue-like locker room transformed into a furious martial arts flick, as fingers came flying from all directions. They came fast and they came hard and when it was all over, nineteen Mets -- including two coaches and PR Director Jay Horowitz -- were taken to a local hospital for an assortment of minor injuries.

But amid all the ugly finger pointing, it was the fans of NY who got the ultimate finger, as they were on the receiving end of the most catastrophic collapse in baseball history. With a seeming lock on the division, the Mets went on to squander a 7 game lead with just 17 games to go, losing a playoff berth on the final day of the season, going down in flames to the lowly Florida Marlins, 8-1. And adding insult to injury, the final eight games were played at Shea, before the hometown faithful.

After the game, the players and coaches sullenly filed into the locker room, wearing expressions ranging from dazed to confused. Those able to summon the strength to speak to reporters, did so in a low, affectless monotone, wrapping their hurt in a thick gauze of cliché: It wasn't in the cards...We just didn't execute...It's a humbling game...etc.

Witnesses dispute what came next -- was it Jose Reyes annoying a Mets vet by "running to the post-game spread faster than he ran out ground balls," was it Paul LoDuca ticking off a coach by texting his under-aged girlfriend, was it a Mets starter who undiplomatically referred to the beleaguered relief corps as "a bunch of pussies you wouldn't want on a girl's slow pitch softball team." But whatever triggered it, the blame game was on.

No one was surprised when at least four pairs of fingers took aim at Billy Wagner, who blasted Mets Manager Willie Randolph and pitching coach Rick Peterson in the papers just the day before. And everyone expected the Mets relievers to get a stiff fingering. The irritatingly flamboyant Lastings Milledge used his speed to weave through a thicket of fingers pointed his way, though 41 year old Moises Alou took an errant finger that was meant for the equally ancient Tom Glavine. Several players cornered seldom-used starter Aaron Heilman, a Notre Dame grad with a degree in information systems, and accused him of keeping them in a perpetual state of confusion -- it appears that for the past week, Heilman would roam the clubhouse and dugout and reel off statistical probabilities of the Mets making it into the post-season ("You can stick your statistical regression shit up your ass, you dumb motherfucker.")

The finger-pointing also extended to the executive suite, where an angry Fred Wilpon lashed out as his son, Mets Chief Operating Officer Jeff Wilpon and Mets GM Omar Minaya, tried maintaining a safe distance. Wilpon's well-manicured index finger blindly stabbed in all directions, at one point sending a tray of canapés flying and at another just missed turning a ducking Minaya into collateral damage. Wilpon distributed blame freely, putting some on Randolph's less than firm grip on his team leading into the final stretch, some on the team's Achilles heel -- its weak bullpen -- some on the assortment of late-season injuries to the likes of Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado, while placing an equal amount on advanced age (Tom Glavine) and callow youth (Jose Reyes).

Physically exhausted and mentally spent, Wilpon fixed his wilting index finger on two last targets before dissolving in a pool of tears, whereupon his was gingerly ushered from the suite. He lambasted the length of the season (“it’s simply too long -- in fact, why we ever changed from a 154 to a 162 game season is something I'll never understand") and , stunningly, pinned blame on the subprime lending crisis (Wilpon's company Sterling Equities specializes in real estate investment). “Half of the people in the stands weren’t even Mets fans – they’re people who got snookered by low teaser rates, defaulted on their loans, and come to the stadium for shelter and a warm meal. They feel like they’ve been taken and are not happy – not an environment conducive to winning baseball. Not that I’m making excuses.”

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