New Allegations: Mark McGwire Now Admits He Did Asteroids
NASA Supplied Former Slugger with Space Dust Particles in Effort to Be More Cosmic
Asteroid Rage. Mark McGwire denies he ingested asteroid fragments. Then breaks down and admits he did "something."
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball’s league office in New York is concerned a new scandal is looming. Though the spelling is only one letter off, the effects of (a)steroids pose an entirely new set of problems for former Major League slugger Mark McGwire, and possibly others.
It is now alleged that McGwire regularly used asteroids.
“Look at McGwire’s face in the on deck circle moments before he broke Maris’ record,” said former manager Tony LaRussa. “The look of relative calm – the eyes closed tight. That’s not concentration, that’s Mark communing with a race of giant beings on Aldebaran 4. Those asteroids have devastating consequences. Sure, the space dust will give you a sense of fulfillment for a while, but then you lose your will to the Zardons and your testicles shrivel. It’s no picnic.”
“Asteroids? He did asteroids? What a dick!” said former teammate and fellow Oakland A’s Bash Brother, Jose Canseco. “That shit’ll fuck you up. I remember some dude from NASA hanging around our clubhouse around 1990 saying he had the best stuff money can buy. I wasn’t going to try that. It aint’ from Earth. I have scruples you know.”
“This is potentially devastating for us,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “You’re talking about an object that is not from Earth – and highly unusual, like Barry Bonds’ cranium. I’m afraid we have only scratched the surface.”
McGwire’s brother Jay, who recently confirmed his brother’s use of steroids, insisted the red-headed homerun king also did asteroids.
“Yeah, he kept the stuff in some kind of containment unit that looked like it came from Venus,” said Jay McGwire. “This thing had lights on it with colors I never saw in my life. Freaked me out. Mark really changed after doing that stuff. He was walking around like he was Carl Freekin’ Sagan with all that space rap of his – Talkin’ some bullshit about the coming war with the Trazomites and the shortage of Lortenamine-87 on Alfa Centauri 7. Look, I’m a body builder, what the hell do I know about supply and demand on a planet 4.37 light years away?”
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