Sportsman's Daily


Mark Cuban Update: Mavs Owner Refuses to Contact Legal Team; Brings Proctologist to Hearing

Finger on the Problem. Mark Cuban’s proctologist, Dr. Edward Carney prepares for his opening statement during Tuesday’s hearing.

DALLAS, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban remains steadfast in claiming that accusations of insider trading are “a product of gross abuse of prosecutorial discretion.” Cuban made his point clear during a hearing on Tuesday by waiving his right to have his legal team by his side, and instead bringing along his longtime proctologist, Dr. Edward Carney.
“With all due respect to Dr. Carney, and every butt joke that is sure to follow, these entire proceedings are a pain in the ass,” said Cuban. “Therefore I am bringing in the one man in my inner circle qualified enough to make that determination.”
The hearing commenced when Judge Joseph McCormick asked for an opening statement from the defense. Dr. Carney produced two sanitized rubber gloves in preparation to probe Cuban’s rectum.
The following transcript was provided by the state of Texas court number 347 – Matilda Richardson, stenographer:
Judge McCormick: Dr. Carney, you may proceed.
Dr. Carney: Thank you Judge.
Carney applies rubber gloves. Cuban drops his pants and succumbs to the examination.

As you can see I am inserting my finger up to the second knuckle in my client’s rectum without the aid of a lubricant – a metaphor for how he feels the prosecution has treated him.

Cuban bites his lower lip and rolls his eyes.

DC: You’ll notice the obvious sign of wincing on my client’s face as well as a bit of blood. This is common in this sort of procedure. I’d like to point out point out these pus covered nodules are merely a manifestation of my client’s inner uneasiness. They are in effect, not really there. However Judge, we still see them. And why do we see them? Because, this must all end. Here Judge, have a look.
JM: No, no. I trust you. No need to get any closer. (Nervous laugher) You’re the doctor.
Cuban screams in pain and slaps his hand furiously on the stenographer’s table.

DC: My client is a busy man, yet in order to prove a point and in the spirit of complete openness and cooperation, has come here today and subjected himself to a painful, albeit completely safe colorectal event.  Now I’d like to go in a little further.
Dr. Carney goes into his wrist as Cuban passes out on the floor. The bailiff projectile vomits.

JM: Dr. Carney, I fail to see how this dog and pony show illustrates the innocence of Mr. Cuban.

Oh you don’t, do ya? Well, in the interest of full disclosure, this, and you’ll excuse my French, is a good old-fashioned ass fucking. My client is being torn a new one by a team of prosecutors who have an agenda – an axe to grind against a high profile, successful businessman who is only guilty of being a little overzealous and cantankerous at times. There’s no insider trading going on here Judge. My client has nothing to hide. And I’d like to prove that now.
Dr. Carney goes in up to his elbow. Judge McCormick quickly takes a drink of water and wipes his brow. Cuban is still unconscious.

JM: Good Jesus, Mary and Joseph, is this really necessary?
DC: I’m trying to prove a point Judge.
Dr. Carney removes his arm from Cuban’s rectum.

As you can see Judge McCormick – nothing. Outside of some rectal mucus, and a small section of his pancreas, my arm is completely clean. Therefore, my client has nothing to hide – dispelling the myths that he’s “talking out his ass” “hiding something up his butt” or “shitting on society.”  I can say without reservation, that my client Mark Cuban is innocent, although he may or may not be an asshole.
JM:  Yes.  Well, in light of the information you’ve provided here to today, it is my recommendation that no criminal trial be pursued.  Now, if there’s nothing else, drinks are on me.
Dr. Carney, Judge McCormick, the bailiff, and prosecution met at Gildersleeve’s Bar and Grille immediately after the hearing. Cuban remained on the floor.  

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