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Marion Jones Vows to Shave Five Seconds Off Six Month Prison Term

Marion Jones

The form prison officials can expect to see when Marion Jones bursts from prison five seconds before her sentence is completed.

WHITE PLAINS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Judge Kenneth M. Karas of the United States District Court sentenced Marion Jones to six months in prison for pleading guilty to two counts of perjury. After the sentence, Jones hugged her husband, the former sprinter Obadele Thompson, and promised to use all but five seconds of her allotted time behind bars to send a positive message.

“I’m obviously disappointed in the judge’s decision and now know first-hand what it must have been to be an American gymnast getting robbed by an East German judge in the all-around at the height of the cold war,” Jones, 32, said, with Thompson standing next to her with an arm around her waist. “But I’ll deal with it the best way I know how, by beating the sentence by five whole seconds – one for every medal I had to give back.”

To a world class sprinter who’s living off tenths of a second, five seconds is an eternity. The fact that no inmate in U.S. penal history has ever shortened a fixed sentence by minutes, let alone seconds, further underscores the level of difficulty.

“It would be a lot tougher on the outside, with all the distractions,” said Jones. “But with six months of focused training, knocking off five seconds shouldn’t be a problem. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how will I deal with the lesbian rape issue. Hey, I’ve spent a lot of years taking showers in locker rooms with world class women athletes. If I can fend off the advances of a 300 pound shot-putter from Istanbul, I don’t see having a problem.”

Jones is to report to a facility near her home in Austin, Tex., on March 11. Warden John Carlos wishes Jones luck on her quest, though he promises no preferential treatment.

“If anyone can skim five seconds off a six month prison sentence it’s Marion Jones. Part of me will be rooting for her to pull it off, but she shouldn’t be expecting any preferential treatment or advantages. Austin ain’t Denver or Mexico City, where the elevation buys you several tenths of a second, and there’s no wind at your back on the inside. Plus, not every inmate is a fan of track and field. A starter’s gun winds up in the wrong hands and we may be looking at a major problem.”

After Jones serves her sentence, she is to perform 800 hours of community service working with young athletes to spread an anti-drug message.

“I want every young woman to know that every second counts, you need to make good choices. Drugs may make you feel good, they may help bring you gold medals, fame and fortune, they may put you on magazine covers and get you invited to A-list Hollywood parties. But you’re going to pay the price. HGH isn’t as addictive or as pricey as celebrity-grade cocaine, but it takes a far bigger bite out of your ass long term, trust me. Coming down off of high-grade Peruvian flake at 3 am ain’t nothing compared with having to shave three times a day. Shaving five seconds off a six month term ain’t shit…it’s dealing with a perpetual six o’clock shadow, that’s the bitch.”

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