Sportsman's Daily

 

Diners Fail to Aid NBA's Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-Threatening Choking Fit

LA lunch crowd assumed Manu Ginobli was trying to “work” maitre‘d; others assumed he was auditioning for director Quentin Tarantino who was seated nearby

Manu Ginobli

Argentine soap opera star turned basketball player Manu Ginobli will be unable to use his well-honed theatrical chops when the NBA institutes fines for bad acting -- better known as "obvious flopping."

LOS ANGELES, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) -- Just as the NBA announced it would institute fines in cases of “clear” flopping, Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent -- and arguably most accomplished -- flopper.

In town for the fifth game of the Western Conference Finals, Ginobli lunched at a popular bistro in downtown Los Angeles. A piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit. According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, an actor between roles. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, here in LA a flop is a movie that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.”

Reiner was shocked to learn that Ginobli was actually choking and was moments away from certain death if it weren’t for NBA ref Joey Crawford, in town to work the game later that evening, who happened by to apply the Heimlich maneuver. Ironically, Crawford was the ref who blew the call in the final seconds of game 4.

“I’ll admit, my first thought was, oh man, give it a rest Ginobli,” said Crawford. “The guy’s a real drama queen. Players on his own team give him the business, even Duncan, who likes to imitate Ginobli simulating a fake orgasm. It’s hilarious. He writhes on the floor and shouts ‘si, si, si…’…and one!…then rolls over and snores.”

Crawford hopes that by saving Ginobli’s life, the Spurs will forgive his controversial non-call. “What call?” Spurs coach Gregg Popovich coyly responded. “If anything warrants a non-call it’s Crawford choking on a ham sandwich. The right thing to do is just let it play out.”

Director Quentin Tarantino, witnessed the entire scene from a nearby table. “It all kind of happened in slo-mo, which is how I would have shot the scene. Other than being about nine inches too short, Andy Garcia would be perfect.”

Detroit's combustible Rasheed Wallace, known around the league as a technical foul waiting to happen, is no fan of floppers and is looking forward to playing without all the “make believe bull(bleep)” that gets him so worked up. "It’s bull(bleep). The cat’s been flopping all over the place since he came into the league. But if there’s anything that gets me more pissed than flopping it’s them cats that make faces like you just cut the cheese. The refs call it all the time…when anyone over the age of six knows that if you smelt it, chances are you dealt it.”

» Read More Basketball Articles

AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio