Sportsman's Daily


Maniacal Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones Devours Six Players and Defensive Coordinator during Post-Loss Frenzy

Attacks Occur on Team Flight Back to Dallas

jerry jones

You’re Next!!! Bloodthirsty Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones eyes up another player to rip apart and ingest after his team’s humiliating loss to the playoff bound Philadelphia Eagles.

DALLAS, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what was supposed to be an America’s Team cakewalk to the Super Bowl, the Dallas Cowboys will instead watch the post-season from their living room sofas. Thanks to a crushing 44-6 defeat at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles in the final week of the regular season, the Cowboys promising season is over.
The loss did not sit well with Cowboys players, coaches, and fans. But nobody took the loss harder than the team’s owner Jerry Jones. Jones remained poised in the somber Cowboys locker room after the game offering the Eagles congratulations and stating that Wade Phillips would return as his head coach next season. However, once the team boarded their flight back to Dallas, Jones transformed into hell-spawned monster.
“It was a horror show,” said quarterback Tony Romo, who survived the attacks. “We were just gaining altitude when he (Jones) stood up in first class and his eyes rolled back into his head. Then he ripped off his shirt and lunged at Marion Barber. He plucked the arteries right out of his neck and started chewing them, pausing only momentarily to wash them down with a ginger ale provided by the flight attendant. Then it was on to a healthy slab of Patrick Crayton.”
According to eyewitnesses, four other players – Tank Johnson, Sam Paulescu, Tashard Choice, and possibly Montrae Holland – were devoured in an orderly, workmanlike fashion. Holland’s remains were not confirmed. However the 322 pound guard did not answer repeated pages on the plane’s intercom system.
The final attack was against Cowboys Defensive Coordinator Brian Stewart. Jones appeared to gag momentarily on Stewart’s pancreas, but managed to finish it along with a side of spleen and a bladder chaser. Jones then kicked out an exit door and plunged to what many believed was a horrifying death. But Romo insists he saw Jones open a parachute and still have the steely reserve to hurl a double middle finger salute to all who were brave enough to gaze out the windows.
“He’s alive,” a still shaken Romo murmured shortly after the plane arrived in Dallas. “He’s still alive. I’ll never play football again after today. I’m leaving the country and changing my name.”

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