Lone Kansas City Royals Fan Hints He May Move
Team Says It Feels Sense of Abandonment
KANSAS CITY, MO. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Kansas City Royals are trying to come to grips with the fact they may be losing their only fan. Pete Luchetti, the only fan in the ballclub’s forty year history, has suggested he might be moving.
“I’m getting older now,” said the seventy-four year old Luchetti. “The winters are tougher to endure. I have a brother in Florida and a sister in Arizona. I can’t afford two houses. I’d like to be in one of those two places full time.”
“Well that’s great,” seethed Hall of Famer George Brett, a former Royals great and current team Vice President. “That’s just absolutely fucking great! I guess gratitude and loyalty went out with wearing your stirrups high. Doesn’t he know this franchise was built for him?”
The team was indeed built for Luchetti when the Kansas City A’s left town after the 1967 season for Oakland, California. City officials were concerned at the time that they may lose Luchetti, shoe repair man, to St. Louis, Houston, or possibly Cincinnati. They scrambled quickly, and within a year had an expansion franchise, the Royals.
“I remember thinking at the time, ‘Whew, that was close,’” said retired city commissioner Hank Brickman. “Pete’s important to us, obviously. The entire For Pete’s Sake campaign was basically for him. Many teams boast about having a tenth man on the field – but we actually do, since we often let him sit on the third baseline.”
Though the team has said publicly it’s always been prepared for a day when Luchetti might eventually leave or even die, they were hoping to get another ten years out of him. Team ownership has actively tried recruiting another fan, but so far there have been no takers.
“The economy’s tough right now,” said Royals CEO David Glass. “I have personally gone out with the street team on several occasions in the hopes of enticing just one person to become our fan. Generally, after the interminable laughter subsides, the person will just slip away from us under the cloak of broad daylight.”
Until the economic picture becomes stronger, some Royals’ insiders feel the best move right now is to find a way of keeping Luchetti in Kansas City.
“We’re going to do everything we can to convince him to stay,” said former Royals pitcher Paul Splittorff. “I’ve driven to his house out in the middle of nowhere on four separate occasions to try and get him to change his mind. The last time I was there my car broke down just as I tried to leave. It took three hours for the tow truck to get there. I had no choice but to sit through The Shawshank Redemption again. I mean, I love the movie, but holy shit!”
Visiting players have also expressed profound sorrow at the possibility of Luchetti relocating.
“Kansas City in general can be a real drag,” said Orioles slugger Nick Markakis. “But without question as a player, you get psyched up when you realize you’re going to be playing in front of the fan.”
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