Sportsman's Daily


Little League Coach Trades His Son for a Case of Schlitz

Schlitz sign

No runs, warm Schlitz, big error. Little League Father of the Year, Derek Kern is sitting pretty outside Zeke’s Bar and Grille. Even if it means his son has to repress thoughts of being loathed.

FLORENCE, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For Derek Kern, the decision was an easy one. In the Florence, South Carolina Little League annual draft, Kern selected his son Raymond first. The eleven year old Kern is a pitcher and first baseman for Carl’s Garage Dodgers. He was one of the top hitters on his team last season and area fans felt he was a lock to bat fourth on his dad’s team this upcoming season. Then Derek Kern stunned everyone with an unusual and highly controversial move. He traded Raymond to the rival Hoffer’s Diner A’s for a warm case of Schlitz beer.

The trade occurred shortly after the draft had ended in the parking lot of Zeke’s Bar and Grille when assistant A’s coach Ken Barto delivered the goods. “It seemed like a cherry move at the time,” said Derek Kern. “As far as talent goes, we’re pretty loaded, and I figured maybe I should be loaded too, if you catch my drift. Schlitz’ll put a nice buzz on ya, and Raymond’s cool with it. And now he gets to play with Bobby Grant, his best friend at Southside Middle School.”

But area parents are up in arms about the trade. “Schlitz? Schlitz? Are you kidding me?” said rival coach and father of three, Mike Keaton. “I can see dealing some bench jockey, right fielder, with an overbite and flat feet who’s only on the team because his old man’s the area funeral director for a keg of Heineken - but we’re talking about a kid with monster talent. You swap him for ‘the beer that made Milwaukee famous?’ Do they even still brew that swill anymore?”

Kern’s wife, Doreen supports her husband’s decision. She issued a formal three word statement to the area press, “Schlitz is good.” Apparently for the Kerns, good enough to deal a 5’ 11’’ eleven year old pitcher with a seventy-four mile an hour fastball for a cheap alcoholic beverage, not to mention running the risk of inflicting permanent psychological scars and the overall malaise of being unloved.

For Derek Kern, it’s a win-win situation. “We’ll pitch around him when he hits, and lean into those pitches when he’s on the hill. It’ll mess him up plenty. Then, I get to celebrate another Carl’s Garage Dodgers victory in the back of my Dodge Ram throwin’ down some suds. Who’s the man now?”

» Read More What's Left Articles


The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot


TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot


TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio