Sportsman's Daily


LeBron: “When I Retire I Want to Play for and Attend Ohio State”

NBA Star and Ohio Native is 130 Credits Shy of Business Degree; Large Endowment Hinted at Should Ohio State Selection Committee Waive SAT Requirements


lebron duncan

Tim Duncan has what LeBron wants most: no, not the rings, the four years of college ball and a degree (though not necessarily in that order).

CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In 2003, LeBron James made a seamless transition from high school to the NBA, quickly fulfilling even the most extreme expectations. He averaged 20.9 points, 5.9 assists, and 5.5 rebounds per game and was named Rookie of the Year, becoming the youngest NBA player to ever receive the award. Most expect the championship rings and Olympic gold to come, as James is still, despite his spectacular accomplishments, only 23 years old.

But if there’s one thing James is unlikely to experience it’s the excitement and drama of playing in the NCAA tournament.

“You can’t pull him away from the set – or sets, as he’s got plasmas on just about every wall of his house – including all bathrooms and walk-in closets,” said teammate Daniel Gibson. “LeBron has just about everything you could want – fame, fortune and over 400 pairs of sneakers, but he never had the chance to play college ball. He’s watching these young guys, not much younger than him, running around, excited, he’s imagining himself walking across campus with cheerleaders draped across his arms and clinging to his calves…his cell’s ringing, Warren Buffet’s calling, Michael’s calling from Vegas, it’s the Nike people on the line, Carmello’s calling to get under his skin…but he’s in this weird zone. It’s NCAA 24x7 – if he’s not watching it he’s listening to the podcast on his iPhone.”

Gibson describes LeBron dragging him onto his regulation-sized indoor court to re-enact plays from the tournament.

“As soon as that dude from Western Kentucky (Ty Rogers) hit that game-winning trey with a hand in his face to win in overtime, LeBron had me on the court as he did the play-by-play. ‘Ten, nine, eight…James turns, squares up, launches it beyond the three point arc with a hand in his face…it’s good! It’s good!’ He jumps into my arms and has an assistant blast fan noise from the system. Streamers and confetti rained down…and a complete cheerleading squad burst onto the court. With LeBron you don’t ask questions – where they came from, Lord only knows. I just told the girls I’m LeBron’s friend and hoped to catch the spill-over.”

A man in James’ position can manufacture just about any fantasy – and fast -- but playing for and matriculating at Ohio State University when his playing days are over is possibly beyond even his considerable means.

“We’d love to have LeBron, who even at the advanced age of 34 or 35 –depending on when he stopped playing -- would still be a major force,” said OSU's athletic director Gene Smith. "Unfortunately, as of right now the NCAA prohibits former professionals from playing at the collegiate level, but in ten years that could change, particularly if programs are hurting and players pledge large endowments for the privilege of suiting up. Most will be in their mid-30’s by then, so it’s not like we’re talking vintage LeBron or KG where it would be a totally unfair advantage. But I would make attending class a requirement as it sends a good message to the kids: just because you’re rich, famous and ridiculously privileged, you still have to turn in your term paper the same time as everyone else. And in the classroom there’s no working the refs: I don’t care if you’re Lebron or some walk-on from Winesburg, you’re gonna get called if you don’t know which of the two trains leaving the station gets there first.”

According to teammate Eric Snow, LeBron is not just looking forward to playing for Ohio State, he is also serious about completing a degree in business administration.

“By the time LeBron’s done playing, he’s going to be sitting on top of a billion dollar multinational corporation – he’ll want every bit of business savvy he can get. It’s one thing to amass all that money and have Warren Buffett on speed dial in case you need some quick business advice, but there’s no replacing the insights you get from textbooks and lecture halls. I’ve talked to a bunch of incredibly successful Harvard drop-outs who started billion dollar tech companies and hedge funds and they all say the same thing: if only I had ten more credits under my belt.”

While James has not publicly stated his intentions or desire to attend OSU after his playing days are over, it’s rumored he’s mulling a $5 million donation to the business school to underwrite a marketing study on maximizing sales of LeBron-branded merchandise. He also has a certified Stanley Kaplan SAT coach on retainer; LeBron plans to re-take the SATs in 10-12 years, just before applying to OSU.

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