Sportsman's Daily


A Victory Most Foul: Lady Vols Advance Airing Dirty Laundry

Lady Vols

Aggies Coach cries foul as his team was knocked out -- almost literally -- by the malodorous Lady Vols.

OKLAHOMA CITY FL (Special to the Sportsman’s Daily) – With the Lady Vols' tournament hopes hanging on their star player’s dislocated shoulder, someone raced to the team bus and rummaged through a pile of rancid laundry to find a sleeve to stabilize her arm. Once her arm was placed in the fetid sleeve, Candace Parker was able to carry Tennessee past Texas A&M and into the Final Four.

"I'm about to have a fit as to why we didn’t have it right there," Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt said. “But I have to give Candace and the girls credit – the sleeve was plain putrid. It was lying on the bottom of a huge laundry sack that was left in the bus for three days. Alexis (Hornbuckle) gagged, and some of the others made way as it just smelled to high heaven. I don’t want to belabor it and make you all sick, but imagine sticking your head in a damp tube sock that was marinating in undiluted body funk for three days. People ten rows deep were looking around wondering where that awful smell was coming from. At one point they called in pest control thinking it was a very large dead rodent in an advanced state of decay.”

Parker went on to score 26 points, as the Vols defeated the Aggies 53-45. They will face Southeastern Conference rival LSU as they seek their eighth national championship, and their second straight. Aggies coach Gary Blair congratulated Summit and the Vols on their victory, though he did call for a rules change preventing players from wearing or using anything on their person that “doesn’t pass the smell test.”

"Tennessee played terrific ball, their defense takes away your options,” said Blair. “But the sleeve they put on Candace, c’mon, that’s just not right. How you gonna keep a body on her when anytime you get close you’re beat back by a five-alarm stench? I know there are players that don’t shower before games, who eat garlic cloves and do everything possible to repulse the opposition…but you usually see that in the men’s game, where even guys with nominally acceptable hygiene become unpleasantly aromatic after a quarter or two. But there’s no place in the women’s game for this kind of thing. Women go through life masking their natural scent with perfumes, deodorants and mysterious feminine hygiene products…which makes them particularly vulnerable when they are assaulted by a stench of this magnitude.”

Ernest Gallop, the Vols’ longtime equipment manager, apologized to the team for leaving the laundry unattended.

“It must have gotten shoved back in the bus’ storage area, but that’s no excuse,” said a contrite Gallop. “But believe me when I say it wasn’t done on purpose – the overpowering smell was as much a distraction to our girls as it was to theirs, so I don’t think you can say it was an advantage. But to be fair, I offered to do the Aggie’s team laundry for free, using a detergent and fabric softener of their choice. It will be returned promptly, folded and fresh. From here on in, the only dirty laundry out of this locker room will be what you’ve come to expect from women’s athletics: inappropriate coach-player relations and rumors of lesbian orgies.”

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