Sportsman's Daily


Knoblauch Subpoenaed for Failing to Respond to Invite; Former All-Star Claims it Didn’t Include RSVP

Congressional committee investigating steroids apologizes to Knoblauch for etiquette breach

Chuck Knoblauch

Best known for throwing balls into the stands, former Yankee second baseman Chuck Knoblauch tossed subpoena out window and hit a passing motorist who swerved into a telephone pole and died instantly. Following steroids investigation, Knoblauch to stand trial for tragic throwing error.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Four-time All-Star Chuck Knoblauch was subpoenaed Tuesday by a congressional committee investigating steroids use in baseball after he failed to respond to an invitation to give a deposition. Knoblauch, who played for the Yankees, Twins and Royals, was asked to appear Thursday, the first of five depositions scheduled by the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

“Chuck, as is his right, is a stickler for these things,” said his last listed agent, Randy Hendricks, who claims he hasn’t spoken to his former client in years. “He once got into it with a Yankees team mate for using the wrong plastic fork for the first course of a post-game deli spread. I was once at his house and forgot to lower the seat after taking a leak – he went ballistic and nearly threw me threw the patio door. I’ve seen him throw guests threw that door before, but he never failed to pick them up, dust them off and thank them for coming. That’s Chuck.”

In last month’s Mitchell Report, Brian McNamee, a former personal trainer for Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte, said that he acquired HGH for Knoblauch in 2001.

“Pardon my French, but we fucked up,” admitted a committee staffer, as he vainly tried wiping crumbs from his semen-stained tie. “Chuck has every right to be miffed – if you’re going to send an invitation, make sure you select the right paper – 20 lb Irish linen at a minimum -- and an appropriate serif font. In Washington we tend to hide our bad manners behind points of order and all that other formal bs. But let me ask you: when’s the last time a Congressman asked permission before groping a male page? I rest my case.”

Don Hicks, an assistant equipment manager with the Yankees from 1997-2002, also spoke admiringly of . Knoblauch’s refined manners, though he noticed a change during the course of the 2001 campaign.

“Chuck was a real gentleman, a pleasure to be around. And he really appreciated the care we took in making sure his uniform was dry cleaned just the way he liked it – with extra starch in the sleeves, which we later thought might have contributed to his throwing problems. (For a lengthy stretch, Knoblauch’s errant throws from second base reached comically bad proportions – during one game he threw three consecutive strikes to three different beer vendors.) But as the season wore on, he’d fly off the handle any time he perceived even the slightest evidence of bad form. ‘If you’re going to expel gas, at least say excuse me!’ And the couple of times I barged into the stall where his ass was all up in McNamee’s face – I mean, Chuck was the type to look you square in the eye. It just seemed rude and completely out of character to be conversing with your personal trainer, literally talking through your ass. “

The Committee has since issued a proper invitation with a proper RSVP, though it’s uncertain whether Miss Manners would approve of its unambiguous demand that the self-righteous little prick show up for the February 13 hearing for what is likely to be an upleasant round of less-than-civilized grilling.

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