Sportsman's Daily

 

New Class Action Suit Accuses Thomas and Knicks’ Owner of Creating Hostile Basketball Environment

Superfans Woody Allen and Spike Lee join fans’ rights activist Melvin Fink in charging Knicks management with “Enron-level” malfeasance, causing “undue pain, anguish and, per Woody, unacceptable levels of ennui”

Isiah Thomas

Isiah Thomas and Knicks owner James Dolan face second harassment suit -- this time filed on behalf of fans who, according to attorney Melvin Fink, feel both "fed up and emotionally felt-up -- the Garden has become as welcoming as a bear hug from a deviant uncle."

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For Woody Allen, the breaking point came during a mid-season game against the Washington Wizards. The Knicks were mounting a late game run to pull within three points, but instead of a racing pulse, Woody could barely stifle a yawn and fight the urge to race home for a glass of warm Ovaltine.

“When Marbury dribbled into traffic and threw up an ill-advised finger roll, normally I’d want to see him beaten senseless with one of his $15 sneakers. My blood would be boiling – I mean, literally boiling. In fact, I once badly scalded two opticians sitting in Row Three when little Nate Robinson airballed a slam dunk. I’d be gripped by total, irrational rage, like an old Jew from Miami sending back a cold bowl of oatmeal. But all I felt was…intense indifference. If I wanted indifference I’d still be having once-a-month sex with Mia.”

For Spike Lee it was the time his old nemesis Reggie Miller came back to the Garden as a member of the Pacers’ broadcast team. “For years, Reggie coming into town would get me all juiced. I hated the motherfucker. Hated. H-a-t-e-d. This time, I was almost happy to see the skinny, big eared bastard. I couldn’t understand why. It was then that I realized that something was radically wrong. I just felt, I don’t know…uncomfortable. Disoriented. Like coming home and finding out the locks have been changed and your wife is upstairs with a man that looks a lot like Isiah Thomas.”

Earlier today, a jury found Knicks Coach Isiah Thomas guilty of sexually harassing a former marketing executive, Anucha Browne Sanders. They also found that Browne Sanders was wrongfully terminated in retaliation for alleging that Thomas had made unwanted advances and subjected her to verbal abuse. While jurors begin to hear arguments about how much the Garden will have to pay her in punitive damages, fabled fans’ rights activist Melvin Fink filed a class action suit that was joined by a number of high-profile Garden denizens, including Dustin Hoffman, Alec Baldwin, Whoopi Goldberg and rapper LL Cool J. Co-plaintiffs ranged from Dr. Sidney Schwartzberg, a Park Avenue gynecologist (who for years provided free exams to the wives and girlfriends of Knicks players) to Turkish cab driver Ahmet Okur (who became a lifelong fan when when former Knicks forward Howard Komives gave a clinic at a small gym outside of Istanbul in the late 60s).

“Some call this a frivolous suit on the grounds they don’t perceive any discernable or obvious damages, i.e., no one lost their life savings as a result of Dolan’s incompetence or is suffering brain seizures as a side-effect of Isiah’s gross-mismanagement,” said Fink. “Ok, but this suit represents all New Yorkers, be they rich or working class, who come to the world’s greatest arena expecting to feel they’ll be treated with a modicum of respect, that they will not leave feeling used and abused by a willfully ill-conceived product. I mean, it strains credulity to believe that the pattern of decision-making at the highest levels of this organization is simply a function of stupidity. The asinine trades, the exploding payroll, and don’t get me started on the idiotic stockpiling of redundant players…now, to be fair, whether Zach Thomas and Eddie Curry, two bigs who need space in the paint to be effective, are redundant remains to be seen…but c’mon, Dolan can’t be this stupid. Thomas can’t be this clueless. This suit is our way of saying we are NOT a bitch, you can’t just push us into the back of a van for casual sex.”

Fink is seeking damages to the tune of $50 million, though in lieu of a monetary settlement, he will accept Thomas’s immediate, unconditional resignation, a permanent restraining order keeping Dolan 30 miles from the Garden’s offices (and from all bars or clubs in the NY area where he is known to headline a mediocre blues band) and placing the Knicks in receivership until a suitable ownership group is found.

“I’m fully behind this lawsuit,” said Arthur Oakley, a dentist from Long Island. “For the past two years the Garden wasn’t a place you wanted to take your kids. It was like watching two teams at a peepshow. You came home wanting to take a shower. Thank god for the Knicks City Dancers. They’d bound out onto the floor during a break in play and finally you’d see NBA-level execution. It was a breath of fresh air and a welcome respite from the creepiness and sleaze.”

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