Sportsman's Daily


North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il to Throw Out First Ball at New Washington Nationals’ Ballpark

66 Year Old Madman is Said to Have 96 MPH Fastball

Kim Jong-Il

Arms Race. While North Korea is fortifying their arsenal, their dictator relaxes after warming up his arm. “I’ll perplex these palookas with the ‘ol Pyongyang Perfectly Placed People’s Party Precision Pitch,” said Kim Jong-Il.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A recently completed top-secret installation at the presidential palace in Pyongyang, North Korea is apparently not what U.S. officials feared, but merely a sports training facility. With improving relations between the United States and North Korea, a very interesting development was announced this week as the communist dictator Kim Jong Il who will visit Washington in April, has agreed to throw out the first pitch at the new Washington Nationals ballpark.

“Dear Leader’s really into it and is working on his heater,” said Ho Chow-jun, a pitching coach and official spokesperson for the Korean Worker’s Party. “He’s got excellent velocity, but I’d like to see him work the plate a little more, and mix up his pitches. I realize of course he’s only throwing out the first pitch and ‘excellent stuff’ isn’t necessarily required, but as you all know Dear Leader is a man great pride and many, many incredible accomplishments. Some would call them fantastic accomplishments. Others would call them slightly exaggerated. Some have called them flat out lies, and we’re still looking for those people.”

Jong-Il has had a long history of wildly far-fetched abilities in many areas and a world class ego. The son of the founder of North Korea Kim Il-sung, Jong-Il’s birth is said to have been foretold by a barn swallow, at the same time a double rainbow and new star in the sky appeared. “Yeah, well, that wound up being a parrot who escaped from the Kim Pak Variety Show, some low lying mustard gas, and flight 432 arriving from Hong Kong,” added Chow-jun.

Nationals officials say they’re looking forward to seeing what Jong-Il has under the tank. “I’m sure we’re talking about two different kinds of tanks,” laughed Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “But I have a good friend in the Nats organization who thinks if Kim can give him 90 on the Jugs Gun he could be a September call up.”

“We’re the freekin’ Nationals,” said Pitching Coach Randy St. Claire. “You want to tell me when we’re thirty-two and a half games out of first in late August were not a perfect candidate to get some pitching help? C’mon! It might be a nice change of pace to have to visit the mound in the seventh inning to pat a vicious dictator hell bent of world domination on the ass and tell him to ‘go git ‘em.’”

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