Pharmacy Technician for CVS Insists He’s Sportscaster for CBS
Event to be Pay Per View Only
Pyongyang, North Korea (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service)— Kim Jong Il, self proclaimed genius, lady’s man and undisputed dictator of North Korea has directly challenged President George W. Bush. He says he will discontinue the Communist state’s nuclear program if Bush can beat him in a staring contest. Il proposed the spectacle be a pay-per-view event held at the world’s premier sporting venue, Madison Square Garden.
The White House has yet to issue a formal statement regarding the unusual challenge, but unnamed sources indicated the president is seriously considering it. Southeast Asia Political Analyst Anthony Kirby says the staring contest would be unprecedented, but not too unlike the “White Glove Slapping Maneuver of 1961” between French President Charles De Gaulle and the Ladies Club of New Rochelle, New York. “It would certainly be a sporting event of the highest order.” Kirby said. “And the future of the world could hang in the balance. If the president could get that ‘dear in headlights’ thing going, something at which he’s remarkably adroit, the odds could be in his favor. I’ve seen him lock in on something for two hours straight and maybe blink three times. It’s stunning really. But Il can apply some of the 2000 year old eastern techniques at his disposal. It’ll be a real East meets West showdown.”
Kim Jong Il did discuss the challenge in an interview with Vanity Fair. “He’s (Bush) weak at best,” the five foot three maniacal and delusional, yet jovial North Korean Head of State quipped. “One look at my hair and the one piece leisure suit I’m sporting and he’ll fall to pieces. It’s a no brainer. In other words, perfect for him. I know he can lock and load that dumbfounded, glazed-over gaze with a bit of skill, but I’m built for breaking people up faster than Don Rickles in the Catskills circa 1973.”
Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe disagrees. “Rickles? Hardly. No, I liken Il’s overall comic persona more to an early 80’s Steven Wright. He actually might be too sophisticated for Bush. Il can be too hip for the room. I suspect Kim will just get so frustrated in his unsuccessful attempt to break Bush, that he’ll get up and leave the table. So if you tally up the score, that’s one point for ‘Mouth Breathing Cowboy Status Quo’ and zero for ‘Crazy Ass Napoleonic Schmuck.’”
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