 |
Penn State of Confusion. What is causing JoePa’s bouts with bewilderment? Some say he doesn’t have to look past his nose.
|
STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) 81 year old Joe Paterno, who’s coached the Penn State Nittany Lions for forty-three years announced yesterday during contract talks, he was shocked to learn he’s run the team the past four seasons. “I have no recollection of that at all,” said the man lovingly referred to as JoePa. “I seem to remember being here before and winning some big games, but some school officials came to my house to talk about a contract, and I had no idea what they were talking about. I wish they’d leave me alone.”
It was explained to Paterno that he did indeed coach the team for the past four years and that he would again be at the helm for the upcoming season. Although Penn State has had winning records for three of the past four seasons, the coaching legend denies having an affiliation with the team. “Oh, I know what’s going on,” the Hall of Famer said. “I watch the games every Saturday on TV, and that guy you have out there running things is doing a hell of job despite being out-recruited by Ohio State and Michigan every year. I think his contract should be extended.”
“I think coach is confusing watching post game footage of the games with sitting in a recliner at home watching like the average fan,” said Penn State Media Coordinator Preston Thorne. “We’re not sure what these little ‘lost time’ episodes mean, but we’ll get to the bottom of it. He’s still our man, and still the coach.”
But Ohio State head Coach Jim Tressel sees it differently, in a manner of speaking. “It’s natural for people to begin questioning his age,” said Tressel. “But truthfully, that’s ridiculous. He’s as sharp as a tack. It’s those damn glasses. I was at a NCAA dinner with him last year and just for kicks he let me take a look through those things. I practically near threw up - like I just did a tab of Purple Flats, Green Double Domes, or Pink Witches – real trippy shit. For about ten minutes afterward I thought the wall paper was threatening me.”
“It has to be the glasses,” said Penn State physics professor Dr. Gyorgi Ustinov. “Back in the late 1960’s, some of the more liberal students here would sneak into his office and try to wear his glasses to experience a sense of spiritual enlightenment and to ‘look at all the pretty colors.’ I think Mr. Paterno has simply abused his glasses over the years, and the result has left him slightly bamboozled. I’d suggest a twelve-step program or contact lenses.”
|
PREVIOUSLY JUST IN
Transvestite Harassed at Meadowlands During Jets Game Brandishes Sex Organ...Mortified Harassers Flee...Eight-Six Injured in Stampede
On the Day the Lakers Extend Jackson Two Years, Kobe Calls "Zenmaster" a Fraud: "The Cat Don't Even Know There's 17 Syllables in a Dang Haiku. Seventeen, Right? Sheet."
Knicks on Two Game Tear...Marbury Leads Team in Points, Assists, Scowls...Thomas Still Insists He Never Harrassed That Woman
Mitt Romney Calls Scientology a Sham; Tom Cruise Calls Mitt Romney a Mockery of a Sham; Jackie Mason Calls for a Truce; Woody Allen Calls Out for Chinese...More Breaking Sports News As it Breaks...
Newly "Enlightened" Michael Vick Refuses to Eat Anything But Free Range Turkey...Rickey Williams Refuses to Smoke Anything Other than Organically Grown Yams
The WNBA Has Just Drawn its 1,000th Fan. League Officials, Players Celebrate. (Developing...)
SD To Help Fans of Late Night Comedy Through Writer's Strike by Publishing "Evening Edition" -- The Same Hard-Hitting Sports Parody, Posted Twelve Hours Later
Topless Cheerleader Coach Scandalizes Small Ohio Town; Topless Math Tutor Remains at Large (Developing...) |
