Sportsman's Daily


Lakers Coach Cites Dennis Kucinich in Pre-Game Pep Talk

“Congress’ littlest bastard has the biggest balls,” said Phil Jackson, alluding to the Congressman’s impeachment resolution.

Phil Jackson

The Zen Master gets team to play for higher office.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) --Down 2-0 with their season on the line, Lakers Coach Phil Jackson gave what one veteran called his most impassioned, if most nakedly partisan, pre-game speech just prior to Game Three, which the Lakers won in a nail-biter, 87-81.

“Most coaches will go for the obvious – a quote from a famous general on the eve of a great battle, or something equally eye-glazing,” said Lakers’ guard Derek Fischer. “Phil usually hits us with something a lot more subtle – a Zen parable or some indecipherable Zen koan, which quite frankly promotes a lot of early-game confusion until the guys sort out what Phil was getting at. Using Kucinich was a master stroke – it’s David vs. Goliath, the little caboose that could, a classic delusion-based underdog story we could all understand and relate to.”

Rep. Dennis Kucinich, the diminutive former Democratic presidential candidate from Ohio, introduced a resolution to impeach President Bush into the House of Representatives on Tuesday.

“Coach had me at impeachment,” said Laker’s Center Pau Gasol, who is one of five Europeans on the Lakers’ roster, all of whom profess strong anti-Bush sentiments. “By the time Phil finished rattling off the articles in the resolution – the violation of international law, the signing statements, his failure to comply with congressional subpoenas -- I was so pumped I ran out of the tunnel with an armful of Obama campaign literature someone left lying around.”

The Celtics’ Kevin Garnett admitted that he found himself distracted by all the strange politically-charged trash talk. “I agree, Kucinich got balls, no doubt. And while I’m no Constitutional scholar, I agree, those signing statements by themselves are an impeachable offense. But don’t be in my ear talking politics when I’m balling…hell, I’d vote for Ron Paul if it meant winning an NBA championship.”

Lakers’ forward Luke Walton also said he was pumped by Jackson’s speech, though he detects an underlying ulterior motive.

“The Kucinich stuff was great, it got everyone jazzed, though Kobe was kind of noncommittal. But no one mentions the other half of his talk, which was less a pep talk than a spoken meditation on what Obama needs in a running mate: a Caucasian, preferably a male, a proven winner everywhere he’s been, someone who knows what it means to be a role player and does all the little things that don’t show up in the box score, someone who can bring completely different people together, i.e., Shaq and Kobe, has experience dealing with Europeans and can effortlessly pronounce Vujacic and Mbenga...I didn’t have the heart to tell Phil that America is not ready for a 6 foot 8 inch Vice President.

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