Sportsman's Daily

 

Allan Iverson No Longer Rotating with the Earth; On His Own Thirty Degree Angle

Nuggets Star Guard Says Astro-Physical Anomaly “Kinda Sucks”

Allan Iverson

The Answer my friends is blowing at a thirty degree angle. Nuggets guard Allan Iverson can't right himself. The league is investigating the origin of his current condition.

DENVER, CO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The “Answer” doesn’t even know the answer, or the question for that matter. Last week, Denver Nuggets superstar Allan Iverson inexplicably showed up for practice on a thirty degree angle. The rest of the team had no choice but to tilt their heads just to speak with him, let alone pass the all-star guard the ball. Iverson is suffering from a bizarre gravitational glitch called “Isomorphic Axiomatic Inconsistency.”

“What we’ve got here is a direct contradiction to the Zermelo-Frankael Set Theory,” Iverson said. “And it’s messin’ up my jumper. Besides, my weed keeps spillin’ out my water pipe, and when I twist a spliff – disaster. It kinda sucks.”

Team officials as well as leading scientist Kristof Garbarek from the nearby Cooperative Institute for Research in Environmental Sciences in Boulder both agree the phenomenon is physical and not psychological. “If you’ve ever seen the old Batman series from the 60’s, they always showed the bad guys holed up in their “bad guy” lair on a thirty degree angle,” Garbarek said. “Then when the Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder showed up to confront the Joker or Riddler and their respective band of ruffians, you’d see those words pop off the screen – Wham! Pow! Zowee! – It’s a lot like that, except without the bad guys, and Batman and Robin, and the words popping off the screen.”

Iverson has admitted to feeling slightly light-headed and has experienced a loss of appetite. “I’ve felt better. I’d really like to get this worked out. Or at the very least, get the rest of the league to tilt with me.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern, who has had to discipline several players in the league including Iverson, says he isn’t sure what to do. “I’ve seen extensive footage of the alleged tilting phenomenon, and am studying it closely. I’m not sure what Allan is up to. There’s really no precedent for this, unless it’s some sort of yet unknown side effect from a righteous hit on some killer bud. If that’s the case, I’ve got no choice but to prescribe the usual fifty game suspension, Ipod confiscation, and forced viewing of a Matlock Marathon. It’s a surprisingly effective method of rehabilitation. There are very few repeat offenders. And those who do commit a second offense, often prefer lethal injection.”

There are those few who feel what’s happening to Iverson is religious in nature. “Brothers and sisters - this one of the signs of the Apocalypse,” said celebrity televangelist Joel Osteen holding up a well worn neo-biblical text as he tightly closed his eyes and held up his arms in the customary televangelist manner before a full congregation. “It says right here in the Book of Revelations, ‘And the tattooed one will appear in an altered state and really weird us out.’ Praise Jesus. Praise Him and keep sending your money - preferably in small unmarked bills. Thank you and good night.”

» Read More Basketball Articles

AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio