Sportsman's Daily


Identical Twins Freak Out High School Basketball Conference by Posting Identical Stats

“It’s kind of evil. Interchangeable evil,” says the boys’ coach.

evil twins

Two evil heads are better than one. The Cavaracchi Twins, Timmy and Tommy, are using their telekinetic gifts to freak out a Maryland town.

POTOMAC, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Identical twins are terrifying the Washington D.C. suburb of Potomac, Maryland. Not by committing crimes or even making any threats, but by accomplishing something that until now, seemed impossible. Timmy and Tommy Cavaracchi, senior forwards at Winston Churchill High School who both stand 6’4’’, have exactly the same stats in every single category – points, rebounds, steals, and assists.

“It’s freaking out an entire community,” said Churchill High Bulldogs basketball booster Charlie Lambros. “Timmy will hit a shot from the perimeter – then on the very next possession, Tommy will hit his shot from the very same spot. But that’s only the beginning.”

The twins, who are both blonde with silver eyes, rarely speak. “They’re really quiet, in a weird kind of way,” added Lambros. “Then they’ll start to commune in that wordless twinspeak right in the middle of the floor as a fast break is happening around them.”

Some of the players on the team have even complained of excruciating headaches when the brothers commune. Gaithersburg High School power forward Darnell Overbrook, one of the top players in the league, fell to the hardwoods screaming about visions he claimed the twins were forcing him to see.

“They get inside your head,” said Overbrook. “It’s really creepy. They do that hair-raising discordant low level humming, which makes you want to chew off your own hands. There’s got to be a league rule against that.”

“It’s kind of evil. Interchangeable evil,” said Bulldogs’ head coach Avery Banks. “I try to make them stop, but they both stare at me with a malevolent grin and before you know it, I’m vomiting toads. Fortunately I’m from Louisiana, so I’m used to that. But it’s the stats that really startle me. I’ve been coaching basketball for seventeen years, and I’ve never seen brothers play exactly the same game with exactly the same stats. It’s uncanny.”

League officials have been working with law enforcement professionals to see if the boys are breaking any league rules or state laws, but just when they seem to be close to an answer, the twins begin to commune and make them forget about it.

“What the Potomac area is experiencing is a remarkable phenomenon that only occurs once every two or three hundred years,” said paranormal expert Dr. Flavius Jankauskas. “We’re still only scratching the surface of what identicals can do with their minds. Most of the time, they’ll use their powers for good. But in the case of these boys, they’re walking that clairvoyant tightrope between right and wrong. They probably view what they’re doing as just innocent mischief. I’d like to examine them up close, but I’m afraid if I get to near their misdirected influence, I might try to intentionally run over some unsuspecting old lady trying to cross the street.”

“It really is becoming frustrating to keep one step ahead of the twins,” said Potomac police captain Paul Carter. “But I’m sure I’ll figure out their weakness, once I remember who I am.”

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