BREAKING SPORTS

Herschel Walker Legally Changes Surname to “Walkers” to Reflect Struggles with Personality Disorder

“It reminds people that that the person they think they’re talking to may in fact be someone else.”

Walkers with Georgia Bulldog at homecoming game. "We didn't realize he had a problem," said a long-time U. of Georgia booster. " We simply thought he was a skilled impersonator. One minute he's Barry Lawrence from Long Island, the next he's Rufus Washington, bass player with an R&B band. Too bad he can't do it on command -- it'd be one hell of a Vegas act."

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

In his just-released book "Breaking Free," former NFL running back Herschel Walker reveals he’s been in treatment for the past eight years to help manage his twelve alternate personalities, ranging from the aw-shucks man-child most know from his playing days, to the avuncular, erudite, yet hard-boiled “Hesch,” loosely patterned after the character in the “Sopranos.”

"I've totally changed from back then to where I am today," he said, after which he demonstrated the breadth and speed of his “shape-shifting” by launching into three distinctly different personalities in the span of fifteen seconds, before defaulting to the laid-back persona most are familiar with. “Back then I was juggling twelve identities; now I’m down to six – what they say is true: twelve’s a crowd, six is company. Not only is half a dozen more manageable, the six are all quality individuals, with the possible exception of Hesch, who can be a major ball-buster.”

A Heisman Trophy winner during his career at the University of Georgia, Walkers spent three seasons in the USFL and then played 12 years in the NFL with the Minnesota Vikings, Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants. He also was a member of the 1992 U.S. Olympic bobsled team; his interests have included ballet, law enforcement, martial arts, needlepoint, space travel and sleeping till noon on weekdays. Walker(s) claims his battles with dissociative identity, the term for his mental illness, began to overwhelm him after his retirement in 1997. Walkers’ former wife of sixteen years, Cindy Grossman, says she never knew of his illness, though signs were evident.

"For years he’d walk around the house, one minute he’s in leotards and tap shoes, the next he’s in a flight suit preparing for a moon launch, which I just kind of figured comes with the territory – most pampered sports stars I’ve known are not exactly grounded human beings,” said Grossman. “But over time it put a strain on our marriage – how would you feel if your husband burst into the house wearing a white suit with a saber at his side, introduced himself as Colonel Walker, leader of the 81st cavalry, and demanded provisions and lodging? Then a day later he pimp-walks into the kitchen claiming to be drug kingpin Bumpy Walker. It was even harder for the kids, particularly on career day. Their classmates are expecting a famous football player when in walks some guy that looks like Herschel Walker who spends an hour talking about proper dental hygiene – having unexpectedly morphed into a pediatric dentist from Bayonne, New Jersey.”      

In 1989, at the peak of his NFL career, the Cowboys traded him to the Vikings for five players and six draft picks. His two and a half years with the Vikings were viewed as a major disappointment; many believe he was underused, but few realized that the trade marked the beginning of Walkers’ personality disorder.

“Instead of being the best Herschel Walker he could be, he felt he had to perform like 11 men to justify the trade,” said former Vikings running backs coach Norm Jackson. “Obviously, performing like 11 very different individuals who play a variety of positions – from linebacker to safety – can cause confusion. Our quarterbacks never knew which Herschel they were handing the ball off to.”

Ricky Williams, the controversial running back who is known to self-treat his own personality disorder with huge quantities of “therapeutic” marijuana, feels for his colleague.   “I know what Herschel is going through, though my situation is kind of his in reverse. A couple of years ago I was touring Tibet on foot when a monk handed me some high-grade indigenous shit -- two hits and you're gone. Without a trace. The feeling of invisibility lingered for months – I felt like I could walk into a bank vault without anyone noticing. In fact, my first game the next year I’m thinking, wow, they can’t tackle what they can’t see. Big mistake.”   

When told of Williams’ comments, Walkers transformed into the erudite “Hesch” Rabkin, one of Tony Soprano’s most trusted confidantes. “I know all about people disappearing, but there’s no scientific evidence that people can make themselves invisible. Mr. Williams needs to stop smoking the funny stuff. And quite frankly, I’m tired of being associated with this Walkers guy and the company he keeps – a regular bunch of shlamazels with room temperature IQs. I wish they’d all just go away. In fact, I think that can be arranged.”

 

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