Sportsman's Daily


Memphis Grizzlies Select Actual Grizzly in Third Round of NBA Draft

Bear Vows to Work Hard and Curtail Relentless Attacks

Kwame Brown

Can't Bear the Thought. To Kwame Brown, the Grizzlies new pick is unbearable -- which is precisely how the Wizards, Lakers and now the Grizzlies would describe Kwame's low-post game. While Chuckles, who's had an NBA body since the age of three, is a project, scouts expect he'll have a long NBA career if he can refrain from dismembering and eating his opponents for a full 48 minutes.

MEMPHIS, TN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — With a special supplemental pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Memphis Grizzlies selected Chuckles Davis, a large adult male grizzly bear from Saskatchewan, Canada. The bear, who prefers to be known only by his first name, stands 8’’1’ and weighs 1,425 pounds, outweighing Shaquille O’Neal by a mere twelve pounds. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the selection is important for two reasons: It is the first known occurrence of the species barrier being broken in the NBA, not counting Bill Walton – and Chuckles will be the largest player in NBA history should he make the team.

“We’re excited about this pick,” said Grizzlies Head Coach Marc Iavaroni. “Chuckles has a hell of a work ethic. He was really killing people in the paint during his workout.”

Kwame Brown, the Grizzlies’ Center, announced his immediate retirement from the sport rather than compete for his position or play against Chuckles with another team. “He’s one dangerous dude. I can see it now,” said Brown. “Goddamn bears will take over the league. I can’t wait to see how David Stern’s gonna enforce the dress code on this motherfucker.”

But Iavaroni downplayed Brown’s concerns.

“Kwame will come around to seeing things our way. Sure, Chuckles’ play is a little wild and undisciplined right now,” added Iavaroni. “But once we get him into the Summer League and hopefully cut back on the senseless and unending bloodthirsty assaults on everyone who comes within twenty feet of him, I think we might have a very special young player on our hands.”

Others view Brown's departure as a blessing in disguise.

"The way I see it, we're ridding the team of one of the draft's biggest busts ever," said team owner Michael Heisley. "We were hoping Kwame would sort of just go away... Chuckles is admittedly a project and even if he turns out to be a huge bust, he's already paid huge dividends in flushing Kwame out of here."

Chuckles says he doesn’t want any special treatment, save a limitless supply of raw caribou, moose, elk, and sheep during team meals. That request however seems to have rubbed some of his teammates the wrong way.

“Yeah, Hakim Warrick was all ‘wow Chuckles, you might want to cut back on your red meat dude,’” said Chuckles. “I responded by asking him to not tell me how to live my life. Then I ripped out his lungs and devoured the kid who mops up the wet spots on the court.”

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