Sportsman's Daily


Confused Assisted-Living Community Residents Insist Newly Retired Maddux Pitched in the 1950’s

Long Career Blurs Timeline for Many

muscle pain

Mad at Maddux. Clifford Harris was beside himself when learning of Greg Maddux’s retirement.

MALIBU, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Greg Maddux announced his retirement from baseball Monday. His 355 wins is good enough for eighth all-time and a surefire first ballot trip to the Hall of Fame. Workman-like reliability over a 23 year career earned him accolades across baseball. But Maddux’s retirement isn’t sitting well with several octogenarians living in Southern California.

“Screw that dirty son of bitch,” said Clifford Harris, 82 of the Sun Palms assisted-living community in Malibu. “Before I went to fight in Korea and after I got out, he was there. He was always there, pitching. And now he just up and leaves? I need something consistent in my life. Isn’t there anything you can depend on anymore? I guess not.”

TSD staffers explained to Harris that Maddux wasn’t even born when he fought in the Korean War.

“Oh, I see,” barked Harris. “You think I’m confused. Well, screw you too. I got his stats right here. He came up in 1949.”

Harris produced a printout of Maddux’s stats and soon realized he was mistaken.

“Let’s take a look. You see? Right here. His first season was…19…86?? Well, looks like I’m wrong,” a dejected Harris conceded. “I’ve been off my meds. And my son and daughter-in-law don’t even come to see me anymore. She’s Chinese, you know.”

Harris is part of a growing number of elderly people who live in the assisted-living community who’ve experienced lost time.

“I guess things just get a little blurred,” said Emma Childress, 84, also a Sun Palms resident. “There are days you truly believe Jack Paar is still on TV, a sandwich costs forty cents, and Greg Maddux is pitching. The years just pass you by and you look in the mirror and realize you’re just one day closer to death as you rattle around your apartment alone hoping for a phone call – even longing for a telemarketer to tell your problems to – if they’ll listen.”  

Maddux was informed of the mass confusion at the Southern California community and plans on visiting Harris, Childress and the host of others who seem to recall him pitching when they were young adults.

“It’s a little scary,” the 42 year old hurler said. “Something is going on over there for there to be mass confusion like this. I didn’t pitch in the 1950’s – at least that’s what my stats say – unless we’re dealing with a ripple in time.”

Perhaps there is.

Sam Rosenblum, an 80 year old former barber not only claims Maddux pitched in the 1950’s, but insists they posed for a picture together in 1951 outside of Ebbets Field.

“I’ll find that picture or my name isn’t Barney Castor,” he said.

When told his name wasn’t Barney Castor, but Sam Rosenblum he quipped, “Oh sure, and I suppose you’re going to tell me the Dodgers left Brooklyn.”

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