Top Doctors Say Golden State Warriors Fans Suffer From Freakish Mass Delusion
Dr. Cecil B. Wilson concerned for mental health of fans and the safety of their loved ones
Take two Alprazolam and call me in the morning. Docs tell Warriors fans to chill out and just accept the fact that their team bites it.
OAKLAND, CA (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) ˜ They haven't sniffed an NBA title since the 1974-75 season, when Rick Barry led them to their last championship. But Golden State Warriors fans keep going to games hoping "this will be the year."
At first the NBA League Office thought that it was just a loyal group of Bay Area basketball fans that support the team. But after an exhaustive three year study, the American Medical Association has determined that Warriors fans are suffering from an unusual condition known as Collective Monothematic Delusion.
According to Dr. Cecil B. Wilson, the Board Chair of the American Medical Association, "Collective Monothematic Delusion ˆ or CMD ˆ is an uncontrollable condition where subjects simultaneously seize on a single issue or object to the exclusion of all else. While on the surface this may appear to describe just about anyone who's ever attended a game in sub-freezing weather, shirtless, with face paint, wearing headgear in the likeness of a cheese wedge, this is a disorder that specifically afflicts those attached to hopeless causes. Expecting the Golden State Warriors to post a winning season, let alone reach the playoffs ˆ with or without Nellie on the sidelines ˆ is the textbook definition of a hopeless cause."
Amid frequent booing, unprovoked merriment and set against a gathering sky, Wilson spoke to a group of "diehard" Warriors fans outside the ticket window at the aptly named Arena in Oakland. Some were not buying.
"Delusional?" rhetorically asked a fan wearing a throwback Nate Thurmond jersey, soiled boxer shorts and paper slippers. "Delusional is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Since '95 we've changed coaches 10 times. We may be disorganized, dysfunctional, and desperate, but we ain't delusional." The fan was then joined by thirty other fans --similarly attired in throwback jerseys, soiled boxers and paper slippers ˆ in what appeared to be an imaginary game of basketball. Ten minutes later a van pulled into the parking lot as stern looking attendants in white uniforms gathered them in and quickly sped away.
Dr. Wilson waited for the excitement to die down before continuing exactly where he left off. "But for CMD to happen on a mass scale of this magnitude and for this long is unprecedented in the annals of psychiatric medicine. I urge anyone who knows of a fan suffering from CMD ˆ whether you are a family member, a friend or a co-worker ˆ to organize an intervention immediately. In the beginning, I would suggest moderate yet sustained doses of light comedies. Gradually up the dosage. I strongly suggest the second season of HBO's Da Ali G Show. Very diverting entertainment of the highest order. "
Dr. Wilson concluded with a stern admonition. "You are all very sick people and need to get a life. By getting a life I mean stop rooting for this team. It's an unremitting source of disappointment, leading to paralyzing depression and a spasm of blood-soaked violence. Consider shifting your attention to another team in the Pacific Division∑find a hobby∑adopt Sean Kemp's next baby. Do something."
The jeers intensified as another group of some forty fans, all wearing grease paint and large multi-colored afro wigs, did the "Robot" in unison to a medley of 70s-era disco tunes that blared from a boom box.
"Look, folks, Corey Maggette is a nice player," said Wilson, raising his voice over the pulsing disco beats, "but if Jamal Crawford and Nellie start to have issues∑and no matter how you slice it Monta Ellis is Monta Ellis∑I don't see more than 35 wins out of this team. Very, very bad, not good at all. Plus, we managed to decipher the coded messages we found etched into the bathroom walls near the Sabrett's cart behind section 243..." Wilson looked stricken and could barely finish the thought. "People, I implore you∑put that Kool-Aid down ˆ Kool Aid is for losers." Wilson suddenly looked confused. "Ok, forget that ˆ you are losers. If you must drink the Kool-Aid, fine, but don't expect me to say I didn't warn you."
According to league sources, NBA Commissioner David Stern is considering moving the Warriors to a city more apathetic towards losing - like Honolulu.
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