Sportsman's Daily

 

The Sportsman’s Daily Remembers George Carlin

“I call 'em the way I see 'em. And, if I don’t see 'em, I make it up.” Biff Barf.

George Carlin

Wherever he is you can be sure George is giving the language zebras hell.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — These are the very words inscribed on the front page of the Sportsman’s Daily employee manual. Whether you’re operating the elevator or editing stories, these words are hammered home from your first day on the job, as they perfectly capture the essence of TSD’s mission: to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but only when we’ve exhausted the alternatives.

Sportscaster Biff Barf was among George Carlin’s more memorable creations, as the TSD staff is provided daily reminders whenever our own Chet Lassiter roams the halls and he delights/exasperates us with his signature combination of bombast and alcohol-fueled clueless-ness.

Most of the TSD editorial and production staff also point to Carlin’s classic “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” as a seminal routine in their development as professional satirists; Carlin hilariously and for all-time obliterated the fussy stupidity of establishment-sanctioned censorship. Fuck, piss, shit, cock, asshole. Ah, much better – thank you, George.

While the TSD staff milled about quoting from favorite Carlin routines, it was decided that the most appropriate way of honoring his life and work was to quote from his brilliant bit contrasting baseball and football. Many of you have no doubt heard it before, but it never gets old. Here goes:

"Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"

(End)

Safe home, George.

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AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
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Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
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Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
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Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
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