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MLB Clubhouses Gird for Violent Outbreak of Paraskavedekatriaphobia

Jason Giambi

Jason Giambi demonstrates the power of positive thinking -- and magical undergarments -- as he busts out of a prolonged slump and stokes home run.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Even the least superstitious players dread games that land on Friday the 13th as they never know what to expect from paraskavedekatriaphobic fans from rival teams and the lengths they’ll go to deflect – and project-- bad luck.

For the uninitiated, paraskavedekatriaphobia is the excessive fear of Friday the 13th.

“I wouldn’t call myself overly superstitious,” said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, as he gingerly made his way across the clubhouse, carefully navigating the minefield of lint on the carpeted locker room floor, most of which was invisible to the untrained eye. “I’ve played with guys who freak when they accidentally gaze into a cracked mirror…but it’s the fans you worry about, the ones who send you chain letters and shrunken heads and envelopes containing action photos of you with three exotic dancers – which is enough to spook anyone, trust me.”

Veteran equipment manager Vern Giles has seen the inside of many a locker room, as his current position with the Yankees was preceded by stints with the Rangers and the Knicks.

“What they say is true, baseball players are the most superstitious of them all,” said Giles, as we pretended not to hear Mariano Rivera pray to a grilled cheese sandwich bearing the unmistakable outline of Jesus -- or was it Barry Gibb? -- on a cross. “Years ago, several Latin players would perform ritual sacrifices on small animals, usually squirrels or chipmunks they’d find and trap on their way to the stadium. City health officials shut it down, gave us a week to fumigate and threatened further action if it continued. From that point on, the guys improvised by simulating ritual sacrifice on a bucket of wings or a slab of babybacks…did it work? I can’t say, but at least you could eat the leftovers. Squirrel is best eaten in a heavily seasoned stew.”

Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi was recently in the news when it was learned that he often wears a “magical” gold thong under his uniform pants when trying to snap out of a slump.

“Some immediately thought it was some kind of weird fetish -- or some deep-seated insecurity about the size of my package -- but it’s actually part of my routine. Gold thongs for personal slumps, silver when the team’s slumping, white during the summer months and an earth tone when I’m working the pole. You don’t play over ten years in the bigs without a routine.”

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