Sportsman's Daily


USA Gold: French Miss Win in Swimming Relays by Eight One-Hundredths of a Second by Pausing Momentarily to be Obnoxious

Alain Bernard

Adding Insult to Burgundy. France’s Alain Bernard hurled a hurtful wine critique at Chinese Judge Xu-Li while in mid swim. Here, he contemplates his next insult.

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The old cliché goes, “if you presented this script in Hollywood, they’d laugh in your face.” Maybe so, but another Olympic miracle happened, proving truth is stranger that fiction. Incredibly and defying nearly all the odds, a quartet of American swimmers led by gold medalist Michael Phelps, stunned the heavily favored French team Monday at the 2008 Summer Olympics by winning the gold medal in the swimming relay race at the Beijing’s Water Cube.

The outspoken leader of the French team, Alain Bernard, told the media his team planned on “smashing” the Americans. However, replays in super slow motion clearly show Bernard pausing momentarily to insult a Chinese judge by criticizing the host country’s wine industry.

“We were clearly winning at the time,” said Bernard moments after the race. “I figured I had a second or two to hurl a little insult, which as you all know, is customary. Look, people…have you tried that Beijing swill they call wine? I swear it’s aged in a bathtub. Let them try one of our Chassagne-Montrachets or perhaps a 2002 Coteaux du Lyonnais – then they’d realize I was actually being kind. To say the Chinese know wine is like praising a book on Irish achievements in science.”

“Yeah, I heard him say it,” said Jason Lezak, who anchored the American team and touched the wall just before Bernard. “I think Alain broke stride momentarily and got off a pretty good ballbreaker. So, fueled by his insult to the Chinese judge and riding his huge wake, I lunged forward, touched the wall, and the rest is history, albeit recent history – as in like, a few hours.”

Lezak and Phelps along with teammates Garrett Weber-Gale and Cullen Jones celebrated their victory by high fiving President Bush, then downing several beers.

“Yeah baby,” screamed Jones. “There’s nothing like hitting the beer bong with the Prez, especially considering he’s a recovering alcoholic. Wooooo!”

Conversely, Bernard joined his teammates back at the Olympic Village to douse their sorrows in a wonderful 2004 Muscat de Beaumes-de-Venise, often described as the rascal of the vineyards. “Fortunately, we are French,” added Bernard. “And though we really stunk up the joint tonight, it is nice to know the four of us can sit here and simply stare at each other knowing full well we are the light of the artistic world giving us the license to luxuriate in a spa filled with the finest wine man can produce. And thank God for that – in a metaphysical sense of course.”

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