Sportsman's Daily


Larry Fitzgerald Goes Back to Childhood Neighborhood to Break Balls about Going to Super Bowl

New York Jets, Eric Mangini

Breaking Balls. Larry Fitzgerald goes back to the neighborhood where he grew up to rub it in. “I’m going to the Super Bowl you sorry ass MFers!”

PHOENIX, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The moment the Arizona Cardinals defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game, Wide Receiver Larry Fitzgerald made a fast getaway to an awaiting private jet to go back home.
Home for Fitzgerald is Minneapolis, Minnesota.  Most of the group of young men the Cardinals’ pass catcher hung out with as kid remained in their hometown. And Fitzgerald could hardly wait to see them.
“Man, it was beautiful,” said Fitzgerald. “They were all there. Darnell Harrison was still pimpin’ on the corner of Franklin and 24th.  You should have seen the look on my dawg’s face when I asked him to hook me up with Justine for the evening. Brother nearly shit his drawers. Then I laid my whole Super Bowl rap on his ass – ‘you’re still out here pimpin’ and I’m earning millions and going to the big game – what you got?’ He didn’t appreciate that too much.”
Fitzgerald managed to track down four of his other childhood friends in the wee hours of Monday morning, waking up some of them. Dave Stapinski, the quarterback from his junior high school football team, now drives a forklift in a frozen foods warehouse.  
“Hey Stapinski, It’s Fitz. Remember me?” said Fitzgerald. “How’s life treatin’ ya? You making your mortgage payments on time? I’m going to the Super Bowl you fat ass mo fo!!! Chew on that.”
Marcus Coles, Tony Roselli, and James Tucker all fell victim to Fitzgerald’s ill-mannered, chest-thumping homecoming.
“I can’t figure out where all the hostility’s coming from,” said Marcus Coles, who owns his own barber shop and just happened to be cutting the hair of James Tucker, his first customer of the day. “Fo shizzle, he used to come over my house all the time. Granted, I'd be all up in his grill if he dared beat at any video game.  But it was kid’s stuff. Those scars don’t mean anything.”
But Tony Roselli sees it differently.
“We were kind of pricks to Fitz,” said Roselli. “So now I guess we’re all getting our comeuppance. Maybe this is what they call justice. He’s making giant coin and going to the Super Bowl – meanwhile, I’m trying to beat an extortion rap and figure out how the fuck I’m gonna pay back my brother-in-law Frankie Colangelo the seventy G’s I owe him.”

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