Sportsman's Daily


Eight Economics Professors Jailed for Disorderly Conduct at Ohio State-Michigan Game; One Held for Sloppy Research

Ohio State economist Dick Lunch

Ohio State economist Dick Lunch shows headwound incurred during academic melee.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) -- The game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and Michigan Wolverines had a little of everything: dazzling performances by star players, controversy over a key penalty, drama down to the final seconds and an all-out melee between rival academic factions that lead to eight arrests.

Two contingents of economics professors, one from each school, were seated in adjacent sections of the 110,000 seat stadium. According to eye-witnesses, good natured ribbing grew increasingly fierce as Ohio began to dominate the first half. Ribbing quickly escalated into a tense round of super-subtle hair splitting and hard-hitting, high-velocity wordplay, much of which found its target.

Tensions momentarily abated until a professor from the Ohio State contingent was thought to have directed a snide, yet well-turned comment at legendary coach Bo Schembechler, who died on the eve of the big game. It turns out the barb was actually aimed at free-market economist Milton Friedman, who died earlier that week. The misunderstanding re ignited hostilities.

Spectators attempting to intervene were repelled by withering sneers. Finally, after a ten minute struggle, security managed to subdue the raucous academics; local police took them to the local station house where eight were booked and two held for questioning, including an unnamed professor long-sought for "sloppy research and disgusting habits."

"I went to graduate school with a couple of those scum bags," said Dr. Irwin Steinhoff, a member of Michigan's economics department. "I'll admit they have one or two people who've done excellent work in re-thinking the mechanics of international debt relief, but next time we see these assholes -- I don't care if it's at a game or next month's economic symposium in Gstaad -- we're going to fuck them up. You can take that one to the IMF, motherfucker."

Members of the Ohio State contingent were unavailable for comment; they were said to be recovering from a post-game beer blast at Alpha Sigma Phi house.

Update: The academic held for sloppy research was let go; police are now focusing on his research assistant, last seen crossing into Mexico, armed with "facts" and insupportable conclusions.

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