Sportsman's Daily


TSD’s Investigative Series: Searching for Dorian Boyland

Part Three: The Seventh Inning Stretch Limo


A double with extra pickle, and a side of baseball phenom, please. The stop at Shake n’ Shake was one of the Moriartys few bright spots on their journey.

DAYTON, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — On their (quickly becoming bizarre) quest to find former minor league baseball star and Major League prospect Dorian Boyland, Dave Moriarty and son Barry had survived the Econo Lodge hijinx – only to endure another unlikely fiasco.  

They were hot on the trail.  

Father and college student son teamed up to seek clues.  Dave had a blue collar, lunch bucket mentality toward their end goal of locating and meeting Boyland, while Barry was more analytical.  Dave's preference was to randomly ask around – approaching barber shops and Radio Shacks with the hopes of finding like-minded sports fans who would remember Boyland.  Meanwhile, Barry preferred Googling at Cyber Bars and making phone calls.  The combination of the two approaches landed the first (and possibly only needed) break:  Boyland Group Automotive planned to stage a promotion at a Minor League Baseball Game – "Weekend Getaway For Two" with use of a Boyland Auto Group Hummer Limo.  The elusive Dorian Boyland was tapped to present the lucky winner with their prize voucher.  Finally, Dad and son were going to meet the "star that could have been."  

Or were they?

Dave and Barry showed up 90 minutes early for the Dayton Dragons game vs. the Peoria Chiefs.  It was the third week of July – a hot night.  The two men had experienced car trouble on their way to the game as the engine overheated several times on their drive to the park.  They had to add water to the radiator – and on the home stretch, with no water left, they turned to Barry's bottle of Mello Yello soft drink to cool the car and complete the trip.  They made it to the parking lot and joked about needing to win the ride in the stretch limo to get home.  

Incredibly, during the game, Peoria's Julio Castillo, the pitcher, threw a ball into the stands, injuring a fan.  The game featured a benches clearing brawl.  Castillo is accused of throwing the ball toward the Dragon's dugout in an attempt to hit one of the players.  Instead, the ball sailed into the stands and hit a fan in the head, causing a concussion.  (Castillo has since been indicted on two counts of felonious assault.)  

Because of the delay caused by the fracas, Dorian Boyland, who had a business meeting scheduled that evening, had to leave the park before the "Limo Weekend" prize drawing.  

Anne Schneer, a 23 year old woman affiliated with the advertising agency representing Boyland Group, was the stand in.  The Moriarty men would normally be thrilled with the prospect of watching an attractive young woman speak to fans at the park – but as Schneer put it, "I could hardly stand to look at their long, disappointed faces when the realization hit them that Mr. Boyland had left the park and I was the one awarding the prizes."  

It went from bad to worse when Schneer told them she'd love to introduce them to Boyland, but that he was planning to leave the meeting that evening and was to go directly to the Airport for a business trip.  Another strike.  

Adding insult to injury, the evening went from bad to worse when the father and son duo were unable to get their car started.  They decided to walk back to the hotel and stop at a Shake n’ Steak they had seen on the way to the park.  The elder Moriarty admitted to miscalculating the distance of the walk.  

"Getting there, I could have sworn it was just one or two exits from where were staying.  Darn it to heck, it turned out to be a seven mile walk. Gee willikers! We did enjoy the burgers and milk shakes though." (Ed Note: It should be pointed out that “darn it to heck” and “gee willikers” had recently become part of Dave Moriarty’s lexicon replacing the more colorful and common “holy fucking shit” and “Son of a bitch” after Moriarty joined “Sons of Dashiell Hammett” an all male society for the preservation of gumshoe, pulp dialogue).

Added Barry, "Pittsburgh has Eat and Stops, but I had never been to a Steak n’ Shake.  The trip was worth it just for that."  

Buoyed by his son's enthusiasm and can-do spirit, Dave Moriarty made an eleventh hour decision that "The show must go on" – the relentless pursuit would continue (with the occasional stops at coffee shops and escort services).  He had nearly decided to abort the quest to meet Dorian Boyland.  But after a good night's rest, and a heart to heart talk with Barry, Moriarty said he was "more determined than ever" and “full of vinegar.” (Ed note: Moriarty, who recently added a shot glass of vinegar to his diet because he heard it aids in digestion, had actually meant “vigor.” Dashiell Hammett often contended that people “full of vigor” tended to have “pep in their step” and “get up and go”).  

For the Moriartys, the challenges were many:  A disabled car that was (hopefully) still at the minor league stadium parking lot, seven miles away – An ever decreasing cash reserve – and an ever decreasing wardrobe of clothes without ketchup and mustard stains.  But after a shower, coffee and Krispy Kreme doughnut, the boys were back for more. ”  

Next Week – Part 4:  Dave Runs Over an Old Man

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