Sportsman's Daily


Recently Fired, Disenfranchised 23 Year Old Stunned No One Cares about His Pro Bowl Party

disenfranchised 23 year old

Life’s No Pro Bowl of Cherries. Carter Duncan is really bummed out no one cares about his planned Pro Bowl party scheduled for February 8th.

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carter Duncan loves football. From Pop Warner to the NFL, if there’s a game to watch, you can bet he’s watching. But now the Temple University grad feels disillusioned. After inviting several friends including some of his Alpha Chi Rho fraternity brothers to his planned Pro Bowl party set for February 8th, he’s come up completely empty.

“No one’s coming and it fuckin’ blows,” said Duncan who shares an apartment with his roommate Tim Sasnowski on Shunk Street in South Philadelphia. “The response has been exactly the same across the board. They tell me I’m nuts – they tell me no one holds Pro Bowl parties – that I couldn’t have picked a more anti-climactic event for a reason to get blitzed. Even my roommate’s not gonna be around.”  
“I’m worried about Carter,” said Duncan’s mother Jane, 49, of nearby Ardmore. “He lost his job and was clearly looking for something to look forward to. We’ve always told him he needs to create his own fun. I think he was trying to do that, but unfortunately for him his ill-advised decision to hold a Pro-Bowl party has drawn more looks of bewilderment and an occasional chuckle than support. Even his closest friends are abandoning him in his hour need. Personally, I find the Pro Bowl a pointless showcase for self-indulgent megalomaniacal douche bags looking to improve their endorsement deals, but what I think isn’t what’s important right now. I’m only concerned about Carter’s happiness.”
So – why the mass apathy?
The Pro Bowl, historically played the weekend after the Super Bowl, is a game that ultimately counts for nothing. Dr. Sheldon Sachs, a sports psychologist at the University of Michigan, says there are a variety of reasons for the lack of interest.
“The game’s been played in Honolulu, Hawaii since 1980,” said Sachs. “A good portion of the rest of the country is freezing in February. The last thing anyone in the snow-belt needs to see is a bunch of high-priced sociopaths going through the motions amidst swaying palm trees in tropical climes. Even next year, they’re moving the game to Miami. Not too much of a distinction there save a few active volcanoes. Secondly, the game is played around arguably the single biggest sporting event on the planet. So, needless to say, it’s got a significant ‘who cares?’ factor going for it.  I think Mr. Duncan’s decision to hold a Pro Bowl party is an impassioned cry for help. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find out he’s dead within a week.”

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