Sportsman's Daily


Upon Duke’s Loss, ESPN’s Dick Vitale Still Declares Blue Devils 2009 NCAA Champs

Dick Vitale

Vitale Signs: Not Good. Veteran ESPN announcer Dick Vitale may have finally gone too far.

BRISTOL, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an unprecedented but not surprising announcement today, legendary ESPN college basketball announcer Dick Vitale declared the Duke Blue Devils the 2009 NCAA National Champions.  
Vitale, who suffers from Chronic Hysterical Delusions or CHD, refused to accept Villanova’s manhandling 77-54 victory.  “It’s pretty evident who the better team was baby,” screamed Vitale. “Coach K was wonderful as always. My condolences to Villanova.”
Vitale’s proclamation marks the third time since 2000 that he’s declared the Blue Devils as the “real champions.” Previously, Vitale correctly announced in 2001 Duke winning the NCAA tournament. However, in 2002 increasingly odd behavior began to emerge when Vitale declared actual tournament champ Maryland couldn’t hold a candle to Duke’s ‘PTPers’ and ‘diaper dandies.” He later demanded Maryland coach Gary Williams surrender the title to Duke.
When asked how he could declare Duke the champion after they had just been eliminated from the tournament Vitale exclaimed, “Why do they need to play the games when the Dukies are in the house?  And now with the title back where it belongs, I can skip calling those games and spend my days in my Hooters private booth with the girls and show them my, ‘dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bam, baby!’"
Vitale was then led away by two strong armed men in white suits – one carrying a butterfly net.
“Let’s pray to the sweet baby Jesus, that this is it,” said longtime ESPN vet Stuart Scott. “We may have finally seen the last of Dick. For me, his insufferable shtick got old around 1992. Imagine enduring this horseshit not just during the broadcasts, but during staff meetings, lunch, and men’s room encounters? The last thing anyone needs is a guy doing analysis of how you take a piss.”

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