Sportsman's Daily


Devil Tries Reentering Rays’ Name; Exorcism Performed

Carl Crawford’s Head Does 360

Carl Crawford

In a Rays Haze. Tampa Bay Rays star outfielder Carl Crawford’s initial effects of possession are evident here as he appears to be in a hellish stupor.

ANAHEIM, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While on a trip to California to play the Angels, the Tampa Bay Rays had the added and unexpected task of exorcising the demon Lucifer, better known as the devil, yesterday when he tried reentering the Rays organization’s official name. “What can I say? I missed the guys,” said Lucifer. “But when I showed up they all told me to go to hell. Cute – like I haven’t heard that one before. Is that anyway to treat a legendary, albeit largely debatable religious figure?”

“Debatable?” said Rays leftfielder Carl Crawford. “That mother showed up and tried embossing himself back on my uniform. Naturally, I protested. Then he made my head spin around a couple of hundred times, and puke up split pea soup. I hate split pea soup. I prefer something light and chicken broth based when I’m vomiting. I hope he got a good laugh out of it.”

The Rays ownership took a bold step in the offseason changing the team’s official name to the Rays, dropping the “devil” from Devil Rays the team had been known by for the first ten seasons. The change seems to have had a more than positive effect as the ballclub has been challenging for the American League East crown with an exciting brand of baseball in small market Tampa.

Initially the team asked Lucifer to kindly leave the premises. When he refused, they demanded he go and called security. However, it soon became evident that something else needed to be done when fifty-four year old security guard Marcus Wilson fell under the demon’s influence and was forced to eat his own nose. “That’s when I called an elderly Catholic priest,” said Rays manager Joe Maddon. “I saw The Exorcist when I was in college – scared the bejesus out of me. I recognized what needed to be done.”

Father Angelo Fanucci was summoned from the St. Francis Xavier Roman Catholic Church in Laguna Beach. Fanucci, 79, is the church’s foremost authority on performing exorcisms. But years of battling the devil have weakened him.

“So Fanucci, we meet again,” goaded the devil. “Man, you look like shit. You’re retaining water and your triglycerides are through the roof. I’d cut back on the cheese and sacramental wine if I were you.”

“Don’t worry about me. As I recall I’m 6-0 against you,” answered the elderly clergyman.

“Oh, and by the way, nice touch entering the Angels’ stadium. Fallen angel –

Angels of Anaheim, very witty. Now, leave the body of Carl Crawford. Out! Out! The power of Boggs compels you!”

“Jesus, you're invoking Wade Boggs on me?” the devil responded. “I can see you’re playing hardball, pun very much intended.”

Fanucci then ran off a rapid-fire laundry list of some of baseball’s best hitters of the past fifty years fusing them with traditional Latin chants, and the devil was ousted.

“Neque vindíctam sumas de peccátis nostris, George Brett, Rod Carew, Tony Gwynn, Todd Helton, Larry Walker. Go back where you belong – to that New Jersey hockey team,” shouted a triumphant Fanucci amidst a throng of laughing, cheering Rays players.

Crawford said his neck felt a little tender from completely spinning around several hundred times, but doesn’t expect to go on the disabled list. “Actually my chiropractor thinks it might have done a world of good,” said Crawford.

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