Sportsman's Daily


Deep Fried Cheeseburger Stand to Open in Time for Super Bowl; Mobile Cardiac Care Unit Will Open in Next Tent

cardiac patient

I'll Have a Triple Bypass with Cheese Please. A relatively healthy Phil Taylor, 44, of nearby Dunedin, tried the prototype deep fried cheeseburger on Monday and wound up almost immediately in a cardiac care unit. ”

TAMPA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The three gentleman who claim to have concocted what is perhaps the single most unhealthy food item on the planet, are getting their day in the sun.

The dreaded Deep Fried Cheeseburger with Bacon will make its Super Bowl debut on Sunday in Tampa at a lone stand called Ziggy’s, outside Raymond James Stadium.

“You gotta try these things,” said Jack Humphries, 34, one of the creators of the fast food phenomenon. “They’re freekin’ great.”

Humphries along with Tony Ulichney, 31, and Jimmy Tressler, 35, are hoping their $40,000 investment and high profile Super Bowl stand will be a springboard to franchising.  

“It’s loaded with protein and goes down easy. Ain’t that what life’s all about?” said Ulichney.

“Actually life’s about a normally life expectancy,” said local cardiologist Achilles Togias. “Something you won’t have if you eat just one of these things.”

Togias, will head a mobile cardiac care tent directly next to Ziggy’s should anyone – upon finishing the trans fat-laden sandwich – require immediate cardiac care.

Players from both the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals have been curious onlookers. Cardinals’ wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald in particular was stunned to see how many people in and around the stadium have tried the burger.

“Some people would call it good eats,” said Fitzgerald. “I call it a death wish. Even after burning off 8,000 calories on two-a-days, I wouldn’t risk eatin’ that bitch. It’ll put you in a box.”  

A local sports radio station considered holding a deep fried cheeseburger eating contest, similar to the world famous Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest held every Fourth of July at Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York. However, considering no one would probably survive after eating just one, the stunt was scrapped.

“There is a phrase ‘heart attack on a bun’ that people tend to throw around rather casually,” added Togias. “But this really is a heart attack on a bun. Take any slightly chunky to morbidly obese 35 to 50 year old male, and have him eat this with a side of fries and a shake, and it’s likely over. Supersize it, and it’s absolutely over. His arteries will begin to congeal within ten minutes. I’m surprised at the NFL. They should promote a healthier alternative – which in this case would be anything with sausage and cheese.”

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