Sportsman's Daily


Renowned Atheist Calls God a "Delusion" -- But is "Very Impressed" with NBA Commissioner David Stern

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WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) ˜ In his well known book, "THE GOD DELUSION," celebrated evolutionary biologist, Oxford Professor and popular writer Richard Dawkins, portrays the God of the Old Testament in a most unflattering light. According to Dawkins, He (or "he," unless he proves to be a "she") is "arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully."

During a book signing at a Washington, DC Borders, Dawkins elaborated. "The image we in the West have of God - the wizened visage, the long white beard, the flowing robes, ensconced on his throne - is just ridiculous. He can just as easily be 5-7, with a law background, a good head for figures, a knack for marketing and merchandising and an all-knowing, shit-eating grin."

When a patron mentioned that it sounded like he was describing NBA Commissioner David Stern, Dawkins paused for a moment before responding. "I never actually gave it much thought, but you may be right. David Stern has all the qualities you'd want in an all-powerful Creator. As the player's union will attest, he has a singular ability to bend taller, stronger, more athletic men to his will. Plus, turn on any game during the regular season and you'll see Stern in the stands, his companions bathed in the radiance of his magical presence. How he can be at multiple locations at any given time is truly a mystery. Very impressive guy."

When told of Dawkins' comments, Dallas Mavericks owner - and ever-present thorn in Stern's side -- Mark Cuban was decidedly unmoved. "Look, I know for a fact that Stern has three stunt doubles attending games in various cities. Stern's a deity like I'm a Jew from Canarsie. Give me a break."

Stern's office issued a statement - actually a series of bullet points -- on a set of tablets we extracted from a burning newsstand in mid-town Manhattan, just two blocks from his office. "We implore all ye who go before me to heed the commandments we have set forth for the 2008-2009 NBA season:

· Worship no other god than Yahweh (which happens to be my Hebrew name).

· Europeans who come to these shores to put round ball in basket held 10 feet high, make no covenant with the inhabitants of these lands, do not intermarry with them -- if you do, we advise an air-tight pre-nup.

· All males are therefore to appear before Yahweh three times each year - make sure to call my secretary Louise and make an appointment. Don't show up unannounced.

· Do not mix sacrificial blood with leavened bread. However, if you absolutely must start your mornings with a fresh glass of sacrificial blood, try it with a splash of lime juice over crushed ice. You'll thank me later.

· Do not let the fat of offerings remain until the morning - if she remains in your bed by daybreak, call the League Office and we'll have her forcibly removed.

· Do not cook a goat in its mother's milk - I'd recommend coconut milk with a dash of curry and ginger.

· Obey these rules and I will grant peace in the land, and you shall lie down untroubled by anyone; I will give the land respite from vicious beasts, and no sword shall cross the land. Unless you play for the Dallas Mavericks. In which case you're on your own.

Yona Metzger, Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem and a big basketball fan, had this to say: "In Stern's commandments I'm not interested. Tell me he's eliminated zone defense and the refs are going to call LeBron for traveling when he takes three steps to the tin, then maybe you've got my attention."

We put in a call to the Vatican, but Pope Benedict refused comment. However, his spokesman said that the Pontiff was looking forward to the upcoming season and, just for spite, was picking the Mavericks to go all the way.

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