Sportsman's Daily


Dan Uggla Attempts to Plunge Dagger into Neck After All-Star Game; But Misses Three Times

Dan Uggla name tag

Choke and Dagger. Florida Marlin’s All-Star second baseman Dan Uggla continued his miscue-filled evening while attempting to end it all in the locker room.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dan Uggla had an All-Star game to forget. The Florida Marlins second sacker made three errors in Tuesday night’s All-Star farewell bid to Yankee Stadium. He also grounded into a double play and struck out three times in key situations. A despondent Uggla under the media microscope that is New York, grabbed a steak knife off the locker room buffet table and attempted to put himself out of his misery.

“I’ve seen people do it in slasher movies all the time,” said Uggla. “But, just like my woeful performance tonight, I couldn’t close the deal.”

“It never ceases to amaze me how the pressure of playing in the Big Apple can reduce a seemingly well-adjusted, all-star caliber player into a mass of quivering, hysterical, pansy-ass horse shit,” said Sammy Casterinni, a Yankees fan from Staten Island.

“When he missed the third time, we realized he was just having a touch of the Sax,” said Houston Astros slugger Lance Berkman referring to former Dodgers second baseman Steve Sax who was unable to throw the ball to first base for a period of time due to nerves. “We all got a good laugh over it. That is after we all beat the shit out of him.”

Berkman got increasingly hostile as he recounted the events that took place in the locker room.

“What an asshole,” added Berkman. “Not that I give a shit really because my team’s not going to the World Series, but damn, the National League really needs to get home field advantage one of these years.”

Since the All-Star Game now determines which league gets home field advantage in the World Series, the American League has dominated.

“I feel bad enough,” Uggla shouted from high atop the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. “I’d jump, but with my luck, I’d probably land in the back of a large truck delivering the world’s largest supply of marshmallows.”

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