Sportsman's Daily


Culpepper “Un-retires” and Will Patiently Wait for a Quarterback Injury to Open a Roster Spot

Daunte Culpepper

By week six, Daunte Culpepper expects to be fully recovered from a freak household injury and be in position to take the place of a seriously injured QB. At least that’s the plan.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unable to land a starting or backup job, 31 year old Daunte Culpepper announced his retirement. Now, roughly twenty-four hours later, Culpepper has decided to un-retire and wait for a serious injury to open up a starting QB spot.  

Yesterday, Culpepper claimed to go against the advice of family and friends who pleaded with him “to be patient and wait for an inevitable injury to one of the starting quarterbacks in the league.”

"I would rather shut the door to such 'opportunity' than continue to wait for one of my fellow quarterbacks to suffer a serious injury,” said Culpepper.

After a day of reflection, the briefly retired Culpepper changed his mind.

“I realized hey, it’s not like I’m going to be sitting around waiting for someone to get hurt – that wouldn’t be right. I’ll be doing two-a-days, taking reps, the whole nine. And in the meantime I’ll be doing my homework and keeping an eye on injury reports – though as anyone in this league knows, injury reports don’t tell the whole story.”

Culpepper says he has a system, one that will keep him two steps ahead of the league’s official injury reports.

“By the time someone goes down, it’s too late. You want to be proactive -- you want a sense of who’s likely to be injured and you focus on the 7 or 8 teams with older or injury-prone QBs, or those with limited escape-ability playing behind a weak offensive line. Of those teams, maybe 3 or 4 have systems you can step right into. That’s what you want to focus on.”

Culpepper says he expects to be back in uniform by week four.

“That sounds about right.  After three games you’re dinged up so bad you’re barely able to stand until Friday rolls around. They tape you up, rub you down, drop shit in your Gatorade…and by Sunday you’re out for another 60 minutes of abuse. On paper you’re 100%, when the reality is you’re two hits away from being taken out on a stretcher. Come week three there’s gonna be a whole lot of motherfuckers in a whole lotta pain. At least that’s what I’m banking on.”

The oft-injured Chad Pennington, now the starting quarterback with the Miami Dolphins, takes issue with Culpepper’s “creepy opportunism.”

“He’s like the guy that attends funerals so he can hit on the widow,” said Pennington. “It’s disrespectful and disgusting.  Where I come from, you wait at least a month before making a play for the wife of a dead acquaintance. Just because we play a violent game doesn’t mean you leave your manners at the emergency room door.”

Toward the end of the interview with Culpepper, he let out a loud howl.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” he said, not too reassuringly. “My seven year old just stabbed me in the groin with a steak knife. No biggie. I’ll walk it off.”  Culpepper asked if we could resume the conversation later that day. He called back three hours later. “They needed to stitch it up,” he said, a bit groggy from the anesthesia. “Looks like I’ll be out of action for four-five weeks. Ms. Culpepper isn’t real happy.  I understand – five weeks with me limping around the house unable to perform is tough. I’m sure she’ll be getting calls. For her sake, I hope the guy that steps in knows the system.”

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